If I am not wearing so many clothes,
I should not have felt so hot that I feel the warmth on my rosy cheeks

Or am I chasing the pain-less, rosy Maryland
where people are creative for their ideas,
no blaming, judgement or criticism
just a passion, and people understand the fear
of their ever changing delicate heart. (*pointing right at this tiny beating bumper)

Or am I just a little girl evading the reality
no more difficult words
no more glamorous or glorified reasons
I just want to chase for my handcrafted friend
Here tonight,
I am just bagging for some niceness, luck and love
in this christmas.

aussie random one

I feel something so right
doing the wrong thing.

Watching the video on scuba diving in cairns
although how hard I struggle to get through depression
and pull myself out of that comfort zone
with all unplanned events
spontaneous planning
random meeting strangers
leaving a mark in my strenuous exhausting days when it went by
when all I want to do is to pull my bedsheet over my head
thinking back my days in Australia is like an escape of the problems I have in Hong Kong
All the lovely sunshine, contrast with " you only hate the road when you are missing home"
All the chasing for bus schedule around reserve street, with all the un
expensive food at the cafeteria, all the amazing food hunting during late afternoon
all the handsome surfers at Bondi , cool skaters at campus (thou I nearly got to talk to that guy)
All the crazy road trip ideas start to ignite after I returned Hong Kong
and I blame my brother for his lost of direction and stuff.
I am missing all those sunshine dishes I spend half an hour washing everyday,
the banana toast I would prepare myself freshly every morning
The afternoon or night I would spend with my chinese sister
talking about cultural encounter is this strange place, talking about travelling plans,
and she would always back me up during my hard times
fish and chip near wollongong beach
that mysterious place where that islam girl help me chase my host family
that even the creative writing teacher knows a bit of it
he is scary.
I rmb I was panting before I knock his door
and I am not engaging for most of the lesson.
I feel like for most of the time I am wondering around
And we, brother and mother were passing by the beach,
just before I met his evil girlfriend
that my mood swing stops our from truly enjoying the seaview
missed that fish n chip show even when its just around the corner.
And I feel like over the years I have been keeping a lot of things to myself,
it's someone decent to share things with.

Today I was too free when I am commuting from Kowloon to new territories and back and forth
I searched the palm watching
and a good thing is that I can find a good marriage (thou maybe not the first marriage)
and the bad thing is that my fortune is life is very uncertain and not secured.

I am struggling today

when we spend our life to satisfy our gratification on our senses
is it still worth living in this encapsulated body
with layers of insulating fat with inches folds
or is it always better to devote yourself to some work
fuck off those monsterous industrious tedious streneuous
rope in one hand scourging
inspecting the problems like peeling onions

watching all those great businessman, educators spreading their educational philsophies
with high education, one degree in HKIEd  what does it garantee
wasting it on tedious worksheets design
hell
I want a better education now
all those endless whispers comparing
what is the life that I want
Rethink when I was a kid, I was to believe it is ok to have thoughts moulded or even manipulated
spending limited time
The sad shepard
sometimes the human

relationships cant be trusted

I think I am a bit sensitive. Should I blame facebook for stirring up all the bitterness and jealousy?

Oversaw* my friend (actually I don't know her well) 's status with a rather good looking foreigner. So out of curiousity I  clicked the name tag. Surprised/ disappointed to find out the foriegn guy is actually not mistaken. He truly exists. I was like wtf, but the girl itself is a bit chubby and she's not particularly ..hot or that very popular type. But then I tried to imagine all that relationship won't last long (omg thinking back I am so easy to envy others...) Though I found out they were in relationship publicly and they have some nice time together and the only word to describe is sweet. But my jealousy is burning me and never letting me go of the inferiority that I myself attached to. All the negatives like my body shape, depressive thoughts seem to be some of the list that I regularly blame myself. What am I actually doing when others are enjoying their youth? Enjoying relationships and squendering on their playfulness to all the newly met friends. While I was spending quite so time meeting random travellers from everywhere. Sounds like this plan doesn't work. And my plan of pushing through all the limits during my TP sounds unimportant to my self-improvement things. Though I just finished the roughly lesson plan. While the PP WS and reader WS just couldn't wait. The desire to shout out my name loud just can't be stopped. Stop yelling at meeee

*Journal on dream job for my dear students
*Filming project/ strangers project

She is just that ... inconvincable, stubborn and loyal

Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 

Staring at the bottom of your glass 
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last 
But dreams come slow and they go so fast 
You see her when you close your eyes 
Maybe one day you'll understand why 
Everything you touch surely dies 

Passenger: Let her go

Had a dinner over and try to talk about nonsense and I start to realize what that fuckin professor says
you have to keep your eyes open and see how people works, it is like you are travelling to Mars.. it is a place where you don't know anything about. Yah and what my maid has told stories about her troubled times when she first arrived in Hong Kong shouting for help from Mum to save her from this unknown devil, with hunger agents exploiting every bits of the salary, deceiving households and masters when their product is "not up to par". Is that how the way business works? work in packaging things superficially rather than selling the qualities behind those products. When the society is sick that they were stressing on the money currency system isn't that sad. It would such be a utopian where the world is full of idealogy with people sharing the same philosophy, creativity, innovation, that's hold hands to show our disapprove to the conspiracy of power, greed, control and all those devils to cause the endless suffering and miseries. Yeah so why setting the divine between noble and normal people? How much time I have been spending over to climb the invisible social ladder by striking a conversation with all other weird, wicked, chilled and offensive people on the net. WHile missing out the time to look at the little girl with a strong heart that told me a bit about her linkage to the family, "even when I get married, my husband got to accept that I must stay with my family, until their death. I don't want to dumb them by saying that I will live an independent life. So I am gonna stay with them forever, staying by their side when its their death. If my husband doesn't agree with me, he got to choose to leave me. For else I would choose anyone else to help me to be faithful to my family value, it doesn't matter if they are poor, as long as their soul is great. She is also trying to make use of that joy and pleasure in taking care of her family in her job, she was teaching how grandparents should act, at the same time drilling her skills in cooking. Paying effort in what she does despite she has to admit she made mistakes at times. That had been a dark time when we both don't want to revisit, but " why dragging on the past? just focus on your footsteps at this moment." This is probably the best line ever. Only miss her spirit when you let her go. So all these little talks, makes the homework procrastination much more worth. And tonight 's gathering as well ha 

TGIF

Is it weird to mix marmalade with yoghurt and digestive biscuits?
So out of my little degenerated cuuriosity I googled ways to deal with the 90 dollars I spent with two cans of 1kg Bella Vanilla (and I found out mine is reasonable when compared to someone putting walnuts and cucumber into their greek yoghurt with pepper) and indulge in the little colourful dynamic world with hunger games, the eccentric and electric legendary girl on fire jennifer lawrence, her amazement, stunning, outspoken personality brings out a magnificent analogy of female dominant heroic figure that casts/ underlying the whole series of blockbuster of Hunger games, mocking jays, sooooo famous and successful in a way that the writer and director of the screenplay is probably very well fed with all the ecstasy and wonders of the children .. all those gossips, appreciation turns out to be burst bubbles when the times went forward when we closed our eyes and fall asleep with all the unfinished jobs refreshing and creeping out of your subconsciousness, blaming your indifference altitude to all those laziness which results in endless loop of regret and remorse and frustration of not holding onto every drop of capital in your life. Interestingly, I though I can differentiate the line between entertainment and my real life, but then I start to realize I have no different with those kids who played video games for at least 4-5 hours a day. Even if - I was trying to figure out how to sort out some small detailed playbacks of the loosely disciplined classroom situation, with those negative challenging impulsive wordings from those monsters with no parenting and nurturing. I really wonder what they would become in the future. All those movie scenaries, graphic presentations, stimulation and mindmapping, creative thinking, radiative thinking, music, cafeteria, a warm coffee, some live music, a group of youth discussing planning chatting, exchanging thoughts on  travelling experience, drafting out and mapping out the experiences, eyesight we shared along in the journey. And to share the good memories and friendship with friends and people around the world. Though sometime I really feel there is a while that I feel disgusted with myself when I peep into others' profile on social network sites, (and sometimes comparing the social friends they meet, the countries they have ever visited, the perosna they developed by sharing their lives with their friends feeling particular jealous that they are social and seem to make friends with everyone. They seems to wear that confidence coat despite their normal appearance, it is their confidence that outshine their appearance and brings out the good qualities in their lives that I feel truly imcompetable: perfect family with gorgeous and encouraging parents, rather than the tiger and depressive mum, the financial security and the education background where everyone is respected and supported and everyone is connected with love in a unit. Each individual still shares their private room for self development and discovery. Each other has perfect communication  which prepare them to deal with any difficulty they faces. A secure family brings emotional stability and great confidence in children's critical development and it nurtures the children to provide love, curiosity, sensitivity to the details around them and build up the right world vision. Yet I am spending all my time waiting for that person to arrive and transform my life. Waiting that single guy is a very high stake. What if the guy doesn't exist? Or he is just a knucklehead who enjoys chasing girl rather than develop mutual trust and relationship? What if he will never appear? I bet I have to wait til christmas time and then I have to really let the idea go and to take the responsibility all by myself. Honestly I am not very confident as sometimes I feel defeated with facing with those people who are really proud and that makes me ashamed of myself. Isn't that a sickness? A depressive thoughts of compulsive thinking to comparing each of everyone's life to my own? And I am still holding the hope to couchsurfing daily conversations peeping through Doraemon's magic door to travel to another dimension to satisfy my ego and gain respect and gain from a man I love. And not the the man from the Istanbul kebab that grapped me a hot vegetables soup and remind me not to drink to much coffee and to take my pills after meal. Simply seeing his excited face when I approach probably is the most rewarding thing ever to prove my existence. Isn't it sad when the one you are waiting is not there? But someone else is giving you the warmth and you don't even want to receive or you just don't have to heart to deny it?

Aw and I just can't get away all those 24 students and their homework when I see them almost 3 hours a day. I am gonna miss them but right now I still have to do through all their learning schedule. Tenses, grammar, dictation, reading comprehension, worksheet designing, writing. phew. That is never an easy thing to be a teacher. even a student teacher. I knew that when I feel the tensed shoulders under the super thick izzue jacket. 此情無計可消除，才下眉頭，卻上心頭。

It is not as bad as you thought.

Alright, now I am wrapping myself with a super thick brown linean scarf and in black izzue warm jacket stepping on my cozy carpet typing this before my nap. Today it was my first day to return school and I sneezed so badly that my nostrils still hurts (probably too much rubbing with four packs of tempos) and rushing up the schedule of the comprehension and all the dictation scope. And then my supporting teacher told me that I wasn't doing things thoughtful enough (as translated and quoted from another English teacher who overheard our conversation) and stabbing my back one more time. And my other colleaque (a student teacher ) also noticed that. She was warning me to prepare teaching plans in advance and do more thoughtful planning so that the lesson are more coherently linked. Damn. And today's lesson is so much better and disciplined with some students being attentive.

Fishball Day

So thanks to ytd's cursing, here I am sitting at my chair, enjoying another "low fat" yoghurt with fresh berries after my meal.
This morning at around 11:30, I successfully diagnoised myself with "fever" right before the chinese medicine doctor did two hours later(which I later realize it is overheat by wearing a thick sweater). Ans I also I discovered that right after I stepped my feet out of the school, or simply staff room, my feel my elevated soul from my "weak body", on my way passing that bus station nearby, how I was wishing my sweet escape can last forever. No matter instant gratification of fantacising over the delicacies of the street food nearby or the lucky moments when me and another student teacher were dining in the WK shopping mall so frequently that the shop owner of that IStanbul Kebeh shop was like persuading me to make me a drink, his first attempt is lemon tea but he made a second try on milk tea, coffee knowing that I am a coffee addict. He was a decent looking "uncle" always wearing a tidy checked shirt and that same haircut. He was always wearing a rather gentleman like smile and with some kind of accent in his cantonese. He was also unnecessarily friendly and extremely generous like whatever I ask he would give me, I was always asking for aluminium foil to wrap up my another half of the meaty and stomach filling chicken kebah. And also asking for the yoghurt plastic cover and a bag (which he always gave me unevenly full ) But then one day our conversation started to disgust me in a bit when he was asking where I lived and if he was near he would make me a dish. Oh and his stare is sometimes on my breast  though I am not one hundred percent sure where he is staring. Oh now gotta keep up some sleep for not messing up the trust from my supporting teacher. Somehow I couldn't help thinking if the owner is like thirty years younger I would probably hanging out with him in that counter with exotic chef and who is probably slicing döner kebab off a rotating vertical spit. And we would be chatting all day and long. With my little lonely heart waiting for a date. For God 's sake, I am never a party girl with all that slimmering and hot and appealing outfit flirting with boys. In my whole life I have only wore high heels for twice. With no partying or romantic dates, a kiss, a flower, an accompanied night. I recall that when I was returning home from the graduation dinner in S.5, on a tram near my apartment, Tony was will me, he is such a guy guy with screw cut with always showing his bunny teeth and his eyes are shaped into a line when he smile slying probably because of notorious temper and he was extremely bad tempered when he did not achieve his own goalds, in academic terms. Though he has now 
And I got something really deep from my teacher, she says I shouldn't get annoyed by the students reaction, or think badly or indignified when that student is misbehaving in your lesson and treating other teachers well. Because it is likely the case, the longer you teach, the more encounter you will face when dealing with those students. Your indignity should always be high. And you also shouldn't ask for teachers, discipline master 's help because at the very end, it is about your relationship with the student. You have to think about whether you want to punish him or help me. Don't let that small incident affect your mission to teach or to help. How great that sounds, but not to someone who has already lost the fire for the passion to teach, like me.

That was actually(...distracted by Troye Sivan on youtube.. he is cute! and he is gay..) I was planning the

Have I turned to be a (students') pet?

Alarm rang at 5:30 pm

Snooze and struggle to work on my worksheets,

powerpoints, those lesson materials and plans that those students just don't care

they just don't care about their future

saying rude things regardless of what the teacher preach

then struggle and laying in my bedwomb

then get the bag, get my sweater, and going to bathroom to brush my teeth

and asked my "nanny" to pick my pants,

grabbed my laptop and laptor, thinking it might help me to be more comfortable in my lesson planning and all ther matterials prepation, then I grabbed my breakie, lunchbox and saw the clock I knew I am late for the bus. Trying to rush through the pace thou the heavy bag on my shoulder was crashing and burdening my shoulder than any of the people of my age. I tried to match my footsteps and rushing to see if the 30x was delayed but then I walked past one corner to another, peepin through the lady at the Mcdonalds enjoying a cup of hot drink, I imagine one day I would be chilling at that time daydreaming or reading a book or preparing my perfect plan for the day which I could finally get rid of those monsters, regardless of what those idiots are going to learn in my class and remembering what homework they still owed me. I was forcing my legs not to stop and realizing how ideal sometimes my thoughts are, particularly one like waking up at six and rushing all the work just to get the relaxing moment to chill with a hot chocolate by the window. Romantic ? Is that how I should call it? Or is that just unrealistic at all? The thoughts seemed to flashed as my adrenaline level rose when I can no sign of those usual people waiting for the same bus. The short guy with a torn backpack stuffed with examination papers. With his tight and high military haircut and punctuality, he always sits by the side of the supermarket right to the bustop. And waving his straight and short hand whenever he "saw" the bus coming thou his eyesight was not that good sometimes. My impression of this hardworking guy related me to a student in my class. Edgar was a student putting effort in his learning and whenever I pose a question on the meaning of a word, he would pull out his electronic dictionary in his pocket and get the job done and raised his hand. But his skin problem made him stay at hospital to defer his study last year and he enrolled this year to start his secondary three life. But one day I start to realize the distinct difference between Edgar and that short hair guy. The guy was actually very indecent in his act of spliting to the roadside. I still clearly remmeber he choked and he pull down his mask and spilt, just right near to the bus stop. And then he pulled on the mask and pretend nothing had happened and get his octopus card. I was stand there for several seconds wondering in disguised how many gems he had spread. Sometimes a tiny mistake in life can really break the integrity of some good qualities. Maybe that's why those serial and franchised production stressed so much on the details. Reflecting back on my life, thinking back my first two years spent in HKIEd is like a fish leaving the school of fish, drifting anyway starting with some fish from other districts, with totally different specialist and personality, somehow the storm, the social 

then on my way through the hollow tunnel I start to really think about my unrealistic goals, like for the work prepared for the band three kids, my over-confidence when my biology teacher :why I always fall to be the victim to those really shameful experiences when people have their fingers pointing at my head? And all the shame is a haunting alarming me everytime there is something wrong that triggers my emotional outburst. And that's actually a very often case.

Just today when I fast forward to my lesson at KTS at Rm306 7th lesson. I was rushing to get back my materials for class when the students remind me English is the 7th lesson. As usual I was spending five minutes to collect homework and trying to settle everything down. Knowing Ms W was away for the speech festival I was attracting students' attention on some unusal jobs. I showed them a slide of some unusal jobs and I thought it amusing to ask why there should be pet testers on the world. Then I replied in a casual way that it is because pet can never know the taste. Then one student threw me back a response that I felt indignified, so teacher how can u be the pet food tester? you must have the taste of a dog? Then the whole class was pointing fingers at this disrespectful boy, and he denied what he has done, he was always challenging to authority and it might be one way to show his dissatisfaction of appointing him as the homework collector, then out of anger and anguish, I started to ask him to repeat once again what he said and he quickly continue my limits, "WHat did I say that makes u feel I am disrespectful?' He was denying what he said. And I have to put someone's name like the discipline teacher L Sir . Then vice principle walked by and sensed all that. Our class must have been very noisy. THose classmates are just like an uncontrolled monsters. That moment didn't end even I finished with all the unwanted obligation of collecting all the assignment. The moment I walked away from school I thought of escaping to another dimension through self indulging activities like reading books, films that draw myself away from the reality : that I have to go through all that tomorrow morning b4 the reporting time and chasing all the homework books for homework inspection. Sometimes I really think why I have to work so hard when compared to my peers? It is hard to imagine myself not committing suicide in the next 3 months. Then the only hope I have is to find help from teachers tmr. But first I should meditate, sleep and keep a record of my feelings. THen get back to my careful-homework-marking-lesson-preparing-day and night style. Welcome to the life of hell.

weird

will power  muscle no creativity energetising appetising Calvin Hobbles Power Nap
problem solving lust love youth lesson doubt materials project dizziness question
desirable comedy internet friends isolated think much soul Intelligence synergy
voice unequal

10 random things to do to keep active

So I read a blog about the things that people with strong soul do
first they don't dwell on the past
nor do they let everyone intrude on their sense of security or happiness or dignity
then they don't be too ambitious and look for quick fixes for problem
they realize the world doesn't owe them anything.


After reading that,
I realize I have to change something, that's why I am writing this.

- Take picture of Hong Kong's christmas + design blackboard
- Present in a couchsurfing event and meet people
- Keep a diary of all the things that I feel fascinating
- Be truly satisfactified of my work and appreciate my body

Sometimes all you have to do is to be present in life

Yesterday I got an invitation from my secondary classmates
saying that they were going back to alma mater for a photoshooting session
Just the thought of that makes me feel terribly sick
like I feel there are lots of bad memories attached to the past years
that I have been trampled crumbled over the rocks and stones in my journal
yet I didn't really try to sort things out or having keeping tracks of all my thoughts and all my energy
instead, trying to occupy my soul with one things and another that
keeps me busy rather than actually doing things to clear out what is happening
and drawing necessary conclusions from the past and get on with life.
To live life but not to make unwanted connections with the past,
in the face of doubts and fear, never let it overwhelm you,
talk to yourself, All is well,
and God would be there to listen and back you all.
Sometimes all you have to do is just be present.

Brief diary

Female Skater

Male skater

People say your emotions control everything around you,

because its frames your thinking, your perception, 

your feeling and even your reactions without your knowing.

Then today I really have a very chilled day, 

teaching those primary kids are adorable

perfect way to relieve my pressure 

on the coming challenges in teaching.

Enjoyed some leisure reading in the afternoon

And was wondering the rudeness of HK people

Was taking to take out a book to read after

finishing lunch in the lunchtime hours

and scanned through the dissatisfaction displaced

in a women opposite to the table

signaling "we are waiting for you, 

why don't you just leave and give the seat?"

I was waiting patiently for my seat too!

That's one really common thing that people have double standards,

therefore the best way to judge ppl is through the things they do.

In the era where people are building defense mechanism 

People's soul are only diverging and isolated,

people are more wealthier in money terms

but they feel lonely and distant from other

even though they receive the instant gratification 

from the social media platform like Facebook and Twiter.

People's culture is not moving forward

and there are more and more unfair problems arising in HK

The future seems to be bleak for university graduates.

Lots of security when I think I undergo an identity crisis.

Sometimes holding on things to think 

you actually need it might not be the best way.

You have to decide for yourself what to choose and

make the right decision for yourself.

Talked to mum about the little concern

 over lack of communication and my depression.

So I have made another fuss about things

So it is another night that I feel like very envious about things

that always people in my family never make me feel and I do feel remorseful about my childhood

That is always lots of argument going at home,

and through time has passed, lots of guests come and leave

That has proven me one again and again 

that those people who has hurt,

they were having feast and we were only sitting there at the corner

saying we are out of their league

this is a traditional hierarchal family in Chinese family

where children are being told to adapt to the society

or actually I am simply frustrated to inform my parents how I feel about them.

I know deeply that they are not the positive, supportive and cheering parents.

However should I be empathetic about them, being realized my mum is a single parent

and that she did have a dysfunctional family. Can those be related to the low social economic status.

Or is this why I have been working all my life to chase the speed of the competitive society

where there is no interest in repeating in the routine work,

being shaped by the social expectation

That's why after everyday work,

I feel really emptiness and only drag on entertainment for gratification

When school has become a pressure cooker 

and knowledge can diverge people's minds and souls,

the difference of the what the labels society has exerted on us and what  I truly want to achieve in my life just seems to become more and more significant

Growing in life when everyday work is diverging and isolating souls.

There are times that there are social gatherings that I have to attend

There are fun times, or one of those occasions that I must attend,

like secondary school gatherings

but I just want to hide and isolate myself a bit. Have to be in my comfort zone once in a while

Although I kind of like to express myself through a bit of self talk here in my blog,

I so sometimes want to get some outgoing energy from others,

also that's what I gained from my experience of mania in bipolar 

is that I used to have all that kinds of excitement about people,

and all sorts of motivation, strong interest in almost everything

Have faith and have an evangellion experience that 

you feel your spirits is elevated and you are born to celebrate everyday 

That is one of the best experience I have ever had in my life I promise.

Sometimes I feel doubtful of my diagnosis 

I think it is a sign from my body that I don't enjoy my life in a bit 

I have to change something in me

rather than displaying my temper and searching that purpose.

But I want a creative place at night and a group of tribe to share moments in life

to let creative juice flow

yet it is so difficult to find one right now 

that doesnt exist

but isn't that what creativity is about, being imaginative and not being afraid to make mistakes

It is also about a framing of mind.

Have to exclude all the undesirable outcome

Or I read a book about 

Free writing

Okay so something about me,  am quite a easily pleased and negotiable person, thought there are good and bad points. And everyday I woke up in the morning feeling there is a mission or a part of my mind that needs to be fulfilled yet I should continue the boring and exhausting work day after day. If I even couldn't keep the work myself, what arguments would I have towards keeping people working at home to help me out? Who is gonna be that person that is in need and mature and patient enough to get to listen to all the needs of my grandparents? I personally think it is not the way for elderly to be kept in a centre where there are assigned nurses to take care of them. Yet what is truly on my mind is to become free and not to worry a bit about my family, all the prolonged diseases, it comes all along with the package of living with your grandparents. Or is my sympathy not necessary at all? Is it better off to choose a suitable home to host them where they get access to all the care by the "professionals"? But back to the point this is equivalent to handing your child to those caretakers and believe all this would turn out to be okay, just to be in your own benefit or the only way out to leave room for your own duty or concern. However, I simply can't do that, because I don't trust those people. If I am not that concerned, I couldn't have diversified opinion with the Australian rooted brother so much. Different child, different faith. It is sometimes really surprising that with a different education background we could share so different personality. And now even if he has his own job, he was making excuse of that to avoid all the family responsibility, so how can you imagine a girl with a brother like that can bare the whole responsibility? Like what I have said, it is not about the ambitious you have, one can always reach their goal regardless of causing conflicts among their closed ones, they didn't intend to satisfy everyone at the very end. However, I am not sure if there is what a bread winner should be. And now my wish to study or live abroad might seem a sweet escape. All the thoughts I am now pondering on shows I do really care, and I sometimes feel I am trapped by the guilt that I have caused harm to the family because of the way I thought I could hold things back together, but it turns out I do it in force and there is no one strong enough to be at home to take into considerations of all that, especially when Dad is gone and his power has gone due to that mistake he made. There is no one setting a clear rules at home.

That is too much for me. The best thing would be to invest my future and letting all those things beyond my control to leave it, and sort things out when you have a better mindset. Is this procrastination or should I need some wisdom to find the meaning of my own life and all the people entangled in my relationship? Or are those people who didn't satisfy your need in childhood it can leave you a scar to trust them or people that leave you with the same feelings? In a entangled self identity, how can I draw a fine line between the social identity and the family values against my own beliefs? I have to make my life count.

Okay so I am now getting my creative juice flowing

"What a busy day filling with assignments, I still even finished the project outline, god how can I survive this terrible month filled with deadlines?"
Emma murmured to herself in the midnight with her head lower to the desk. That is another awful day that is filled with tasteless chores, endless searching on journal articles and resource just for creating another paper that the professor barely really look at more than 5 minutes and put down on the paper, "credit". Getting a credit is not a difficult thing for Emma, at least in her university. She is a free loving bird, anything that get her tied up in her chair imitating the "academic style " by endless copying and pasting is nothing she really enjoy doing. She is a smart girl with creative juice flowing inside her. One of the most interesting thing is photography, literature work that endures all the passing of time. Despite all the obstacles and challenges in this evolving place. Humanity is not improving in nature. There is always power struggle, control, controversy topic everywhere, especially in under previledged nations. All she likes is keeping a journal that she could express all her thoughts to the world. She likes the idea of helping to reach equality in the unfair legislative system in the world where the poor 's rights and assets are exploited by the sculptuous business and the poor is heavily reliant on the social welfare system. One night when she was trying to take a couple of shoots with her nikon d5100 and she wandered out on the nearby abandoned part and lying down on the grass staring at the glarmorous yet sad milky way, " How I wish when the moon becomes full, all my family can gather." Then she realized how inarchievable the goal is and then she crossed her legs and closed her eyes to appreciate the soft wind blowing at her face. It was a chilled night, a night for her to procrastinate all the worries, all the unwanted burden.

Suddenly there is something touching on her nose, she realized it was a glowworm nearby, she took out a camera to take a couple of shoots, and then change the subject on the stars. Suddenly she realized a something like a shooting star but with more intensive colour. She used her zooming lens as the telescipe and look through her small sensor in the camera and realized it was in the shape of a glowing fireball, it dashed through the sky and dropped on the earth in a projectile motion. It was a fun thing to watch, she said to herself, but then her curiousity has made her feel an urge to look into the case, she ran towards the scene with the heart of a heart of the photojournalist and took her camera and she saw a reptile and it was with a burned skin covering all around her. She took a closer look at its closed eye and took a snapshot. Then she felt it was scary and she stayed a while behind it. And finally realized how dangerous her situation is and quickly ran away from her. But what she didn't noticed is that the reptile has already recognized her unique human sense. She has an ancester that is famous in the reptile world - Eve.

Love is not your mind

Only when your mind is quiet, only when your mind is not hoping, requesting, searching, dominating, envious or anxious, only when your mind is fully calm can love be possible. When when your mind is not reflecting your ego, not searching for its unique feeling,request, urge or hidden fear, not searching for self actualization or being entangled by certain beliefs, love is possible.

We only know that love is a feeling, my child, my wife, my possession, my knowledge, my success, but that is anther isolation process. We have all sorts of isolation in our life, it is the drive for self closure in mental and emotional states, only occasionally we would communicate with others, this is why love is a big problem. To really communicate with a person, you need to love him or her. When you love certain things or people, you would exchange with that person.

Our mind is a tool for comparison. When you are comparing one person to the other, you make others lose their dignity. Only when I am not comparing you to others, I only care about you, not the others - there is no comparison and it brings people dignity.

In the aspect of acquiring knowledge, we imitate but we don't create, it is only second hand or third hand experience. We repeat, repeat what others have said so we only have little thinking. So we don't have initiative, creative, energy and freedom. Also in emotional aspect, we don't have passion, or deep interest. We might have passion but it soon fades away; without consistent passion, our life becomes mechanic, knowledgeable and everyday repeating the same thing.

However when we are looking at good art work or literature work, it is not about the theme, but the quality. Simply looking at it will bring a high pleasure and joy. When you look at it, it has a strong aesthetic sense, you see the incredible quality of the things. And then the thoughts created happiness, bring it energy and continuity. Therefore when you look at the artwork, the feelings appear.
When you have seen the sunset, you are not happy, but you see the beauty in things, they are always glamorous, colourful and in-depth. When you leave that scene and return to life, your thoughts is like "There is an incredible thing, I wish I could have this experience again.

When our soul is eager to love, the action of love and imagine what love is like, there won't be love, because you give an intention to love. You are creating the behaviorial aspects for love. Love is the desire for something. But you can't own someone, you are only dependent on the feeling to possess someone to make you feel great. It is true that when you are attracted by someone, you want to be close with him or her.  But when you label him /her as yours, you don't want them to be interested in others, is that still love? No it is not, when you are drawing a fence among people, like labeling them as yours, there is no love.

While Mr and Mrs X in the Nanny Diaries is truly pathetic, their son Grayer is sympathetic.

“There are people in this home- human beings- drowning in their desire for you to look them in the eye. You made this family. And all you have to do is show up and like them. It's called 're-la-ting.' So get over whatever totally-absent-buying-your affection parenting that you received and get here, man- because this is your LIFE and you're just pissing it away!”

I relate my personal experiences with Grayer a lot
Growing up as a child, my parents are either too busy
that they were indulging in their own minds about marriage and work.
Ever since I was three, my parents seldom reach me in my room and she would give a cuddle every night
and all she cares is my results,
I would only get reprimanded if I did not do the homework right
9X marks is alright
never compliment, being good is never enough.
And experiencing a strong sense of abandonment because of the change of nannies
Sometimes nanny is good , though the ones that we have met are problematic.

But if the path for climbing the social class is that important,
why are the rich people who has almost everything they have got so miserable?
Do they have to sacrifice everything that normal people value to get to the top?

Another thing is that I want to quit what I am doing now Mum :'(

Bittersweet symphony

So it has really been a while that I didn't do anything to get to know my bipolar
Started a group "Life is what you make it"
Created a community of friends in couchsurfing
Decided on a 50mm lens
Passed the teaching practice
Finished most of my acamdemic work
Meet new faces

Draw when I am not in my mood (or sometimes the emptiness after you meet your friends)
When you meet interesting people and you thought you would never be sb like them
No matter how hard you try to find the "you", it is like throwing a stone is a well.
All dark without any signs of hope. Just heard the echo of the splash when it touches the water.
And then it sink to the very bottom.
Of course you can try to raise the stone, but then you have to pull down a bucket of water and get the stone.
And perhaps there are other stones watching me sink
but done is my tribe.

The next thing to do include some quotes and do it in your life.
How to push one's boundary
Think of every day is a new day and welcome transformations.
The advantage of positive approach to life is that it automatically defines her experiences in a way that allows her to take even "bad developments" and turn them into valuable lessons. Positivity diminishes or eliminates fears we might have about negative outcomes: since everything is a learning experience, nothing can go wrong. This in turn frees us emotionally and mentally to make a contribution to the greater good. Free of cynicism, sarcasm, and harsh judgements, we are buoyed by our enthusiasm, which allows us and those around us to experience flow at exhilarating levels.

Questions

Who should I put down for my emergency contact?

What if I meet many people and I realize I have no friends?

Why no matter what I do I don't change a bit?

What if all I have been doing is useless?

:'C

About a boy

As my age grows,

my sense of loneliness is expanding

a sense of responsibility from nowhere becomes my burden

there is upslope climb

and there is downhill slide

The time I realize this is already too late

I can't let go.

Every celebrity has a lonely side

which they share the same anxiety, problems and worries as normal people do.

While they are "training" to entertain the mass with their own "style",

it raises a question that whether their image is equivalent to their ego.

I guess that is true for most of the adolescents.

Idenity crisis.

So I try to attend more meetup groups and get to know more people

Exploring different hobbies

Experiencing different cultures

Hoping to see and find love

in this materialistic and sometimes cruel world.

And. make a difference in youngster's life.

"Hong Kong people are cold"

That's what I overheard from a conversation at HKIEd.
An innocent side told me not to believe it,
yet experience and "logic" told me how "ambitious" people are,
they are keeping things to themselves rather than trusting and helping each other out.
Human are selfish ad they welcome things and people that are beneficial to them.

I went to HKIEd for collecting my literature assignment.
It sucks.. not matter what grade I get I am not satisfied.
Being good is simply not enough.

Same for the weakness for classroom management, the supervision on Thursday.
Just thinking of me make me feel headache.
Fuck who invented to write a lesson plan each day? Plus the extra work from the courses.
Plus the reflective journal.

:'( I already don't have a good connection with my alma mater, including my current university.
While most of my work I have been trying to accomplish is the external expectations.
Where is my inner ego, let it out. And the false ego would no longer cover my inner desire.
When I finally reach an age to have a career, I finally realized so far what I have learnt at school are just theories, they are way far more close to the reality. And I am so green that I have not encountered most of the situation. I do take a longer period of time (most of the time I/people around me just stressed myself out) to adapt to the new environment. A part of me is very innocent but I know that it is not easily changable and  I don't feel like changing it now.

What doesn't kill you make you feel stronger? I came across Tim Taylor on the corridor yet I have an urge to ask why I was appointed to this school.

They say if you are from a low social class, your path to success is much harder. That's comforting as it is said by one of the richest woman on the world-J.K. Rowling.

That is what I look like today

This is probably what I look like from the teaching practice 

Especially when my supporting teacher is not here.

While my unit plan is not ready as I am not familiar with lesson planning for SEN students,

and the communication with supporting teachers, the daily routines for collecting homework,

returning the monthly quizzes and revision exercise, the new school environment,

all of these is too overwhelming and everyday I return home and I really doubt school setting is really my tribe, the students I am spending most of the time with are whether the work I want to do. No. They are probably just a obstacle for me to test my limits, adaptation and skills to cope with emotions. I could have been too necessarily friendly with students that I surrender to set lower standards to their performance on tasks. I immediately dailed Ms Ng for the urgent questions for classroom management yet her suggestions is far too ideal for a band three setting. Yet you can't solely depend on other people and spend time listening to them instead of trying to invest time on setting up a profession role as a teacher to transmit knowledge and at the same time to eliminate classroom misbehaviour. 

Being a teacher is not easy, especially at the first year. 

" "Thirty is not the new twenty, 

so claim your adulthood,
get some identity capital
use your weak ties
pick your family,
don't be defined by you didn't know or do
you are deciding your life right now."

That sounds so familiar with the "corpe diem" theme  Her clear and powerful presentation on the identity capital is definitely what I need ! If every teacher shares this persona, I believe every child can grow and have a better take-off."

It is my mission (?) to help to motivate the students to learn

and identify and diagnose their problem

to give them a bang in their innocent heads

about their future and prepare them for their future 

(yet most of them would probably end up in restaurant??boutiques?)

Keep your standards and don't be afraid to let them see your serious side.

Don't kept them too long at the English Corner.

Remember to do the right thing to keep the students/motivate the majority of students.

Students are not products to be manipulative, apart from being shaped by the teacher,

but at least they should not disrupt the teachers' lessons.

At the right time, pick out the students and give them extra training: to copy what they have learnt in lesson and finish the worksheet.

Sometimes I do feel tired

There are time when the silver linings are just disappeared, when all the passion, the determination for recovery, eager to fuel up my energy tank for self improvement, academic knowledge and .. meeting the deadlines.Suddenly you feel you all the things you are trying very hard to hold on to are .. useless.
That doesn't count in the life I wanted.
unfriendly things, people and a pile of dull boring work
I don't feel myself creative anymore
in a school setting doesn't care.
When students only play computer games.
Isn't it sad? When games, media entertainment everywhere
entertainment is never to be taken seriously as it kills time
instead of searching for truer and deeper meaning in life.
That sucks.
You can basically assess the school's organization by the tidiness of the pantry.

Bad day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

             Lyrics from Daniel Powter-Bad Day

Today I had lots of sleep

yet once I woke up,

a sudden sense of emptyness is haunting

why am I here? what is my value of living?

perhaps that's the consequence of someone desperate to find their lost or broken ego"

I thought of the routine of my day, and suddenly it is so dull ..

that my reason of living seem not valid. 

Yet the responsibility and the whole happiness project force me to get out of my room,

brush my teeth and sooth my hair,

choose a not so grumpy t-shirt, 

wear the torn or boring jeans.

The best part of my outfit is probably my dessert boots,

Boots is my all time favourite.

Yet on somedays it hurting my ankle to wear them, because of all the rubbing during the long walk from home to uni. Approx 1 hr walking per day.

Then I try to occupy myself with readings before returning the books to the library,

push myself to read a habit book and want to fall asleep when I reach ShaTin station,

I realize I could look at the ebook on my phone.

Get off at uni station , wait long enough at the shuttle bus.

Get off..

I realize most of the time, because of the desire to be the first to leave the bus to rush to another destination, either library or home ( my world is tiny I know), the front 5 rows has been my favourite. Though sometimes when I am moody I use to sit back and have a more comfy and spacious place to wander instead of rushing home.

I rush to the library, put my lunchbox in the fridge, get myself a coffee,grap a book to return to the lecturer(she was not there), reply email for a consultation, worrying about my time arrangement for three upcoming assignments before the appointment tomorrow. Print out the forms to submit. Searching for information on tutorial preparation, ( I feel like why my life is so dull .. I am a robot, things starts to be in auto mode once I enter the campus yet sadly its what keep my life going, sometimes I pause and I realize that is not what I want in my life and why am I still doing it day after day? Can't I just LEAVE? Or am I waiting for someone strong enough to pull me out from this vicious cycle?

Then I improve on my compare thee to a summers day with reference to Barret Browning. Or am I really that type of person with weak personality?

Then I put all my problems and list them out to my counsellor and she did not give constructive advice but agree to turn the session into a goal keeping and communicating with email. She always said to me to do things step by step. But not if you are having an up-slope climb, you gotta keep your motivation and never look down. Her approach is somewhat like smothering.

Then she asked me for consent to see her consistently yet I replied yes. Perhaps I made a major thinking error as it is good to receive some false information rather than none. Now I realize it and I would never see her I think.

Then I rush back for LKC 's consultation, prepared for activities yet mislead by his "silent reply", he gave a fuss about his requirement "in time", and gave me time limitations to ask questions yet being replying in half-serious tone, should have kept . It is true that once you expose yrself, people would attack on your weakness. I think when similar thing happen, it is my problem, improper time management, challenging myself on something impossible to achieve, no matter it is the (self dependent recovery and insurance, enough sleep and exercise, academic excellence and exchange, same as I didn't consider much when I chose my major, now I am considering changing orientation as an escape? etc) there's just poor self-time-management skills. The changing or leaping from one thought to another just demonstrate how immature and insecure I am, or simply put, I don't know what I want exactly, I didn't make a prolonged decision and be fully responsible or single minded once I made the decision. I was just thinking an intrusive girl was asking questions all the time and she was annoying and she didn't know it. She caught me by surprise and her greasy hair is so untidy.. Should have told her yet maybe her condition is better and maybe she knows what she is doing and strong enough not to collapse in these years?

After that I felt rather grey because simply of the criticism that I did not make prompt reservation. I was holding my emotions yet it did not seem to be a good way of dealing with problems. Yet I channel those energy into something constructive. Though I really thought mean people are really blocking my way. I learn listen to the part of "advice" on starting things earlier, rather than putting the case too personally. Then I got the books, print my drafts for later use, dial home for a late dinner, return books, queue up for shuttle, waiting for miracle to happen and caught the bus just on time, got the discounted japanese coffee mix, changed my conception on the saleslady by her sudden sarcasm when I asked for clarification on the price .., feeling grumpier and return home.

Force a smile and feeling impatient to hurry for dinner, fill my stomach, have a genuine laugh on my little granny, a kiss on my grandpa's cheek as a comfort for his aching arm (due to prolonged gaming on IPAD) then lock myself in the room to calm and waste something before preparing myself some trivial matters ( documents, writings, readings and discussion with MUM!) mum is always the motivation despite she could be bad as a witch haha.

Life is good when it is simple. 

When someone doesn't satisfy your need when you are small, they never will.

I am not trying to be a good person

but I guess there are times that I really am sick of being at home

but my bad tantrum is not getting me anywhere.

Remember there is one person telling me not to be a good person

as they happen to let everyone unhappy at the end.

Honestly, I hope mum is the lady that is competent 

and can handle things properly and get things and people in good shape

unfortunately she is too burdened

She tried to explain, "communicate"

(yet nobody cares...)

But her innocent mind and will power is not strong enough.

Who cares to lend a helping hand?

There must be a gentleman waiting to turn up in my life .

And one day I am mature enough to set up fence 

to all those unwelcomed.

Mum I love you, 

but I have to leave my home. 

I am the misfit and one day

I would be achieving with my vision mission clearly.

* It is a pain in the ass to see people I hate liking every status I have.

*Emotions have their use

* Some say they should go through all the childhood traumas to heal.

Thanks Huang Man Kei Mendy

for suffering. You ought to work much harder everyday.

Autumn

Taking care of elderly is stressful, mentally and physically.

The triggering point is that I was mad at achieving a distinction grade for the literature exam tomorrow,

and while my granny was endlessly finding her words to finish her sentence,

it caught my nerve.

Yet while I was walking home, 

I can't help thinking how the media was focusing on commercialism yet how many elderly are there waiting for help.

Right now granny is in a centre which she really likes

Yet she is fearful towards the requirement for the events.

Or is it that I was listening to saddening eason chan's songs lately

or is the autumn weather ?

Plus the beautiful tragedy of Literature ::

Easter 1916, Oscar Wilde, Rocking Horse winner...

Thinking about it, I felt so regretful for the harm I did to Granny

All the bad words from an immature person.

Highly retrospective due to the unresolved family conflicts.
People who hurt and highly disrespectful.
That's the time I think I really have to learn to withstand things.

Showing your best side to the world

I am not shining a light on how to present yourself in the possibly best way, yet it is just a day by day reflection on little incidents that most people may find it trivial. I guess that's why it is from a different perspective. Skip it if you are not interested .. Found a random picture which brings some antique taste..

Incident 1:

Yesterday I talked to a kind friend of mine that I should learn a lot from her cheerful altitude
she told me that "You haven't seen the dark Annie. We should learn from each other."
That split second I was wondering what can others learn from me?
What are their impression about me, what is good about me, what is bad about me...
All those self improvement topics seem to appear constantly and haunt me again (even in nightmare)
I was really caught off- guard. Then my mind was blown away by the idea of having rugby with a group of english speakers/ bilingual players..

Similarly,
Incident 2:

Today I met a rather intimidating mentally ill girl (her appearance is very obvious), with her body always inclining me, stopping myself from talking on the phone and wanting to grab my attention for her. She was intruding in my own personal space by leaning towards me (in a very awkward and pretending that we were.. close) I told her that everyone was waiting and she had to calm down. Yet she seemed to take advantage of me taking care of her and she was making a request that "we stay together in line" to wait for the ticket lady at the counter .. I moved to the end of the queue despite her stopping. Luckily my mum appear soon afterwards and I avoided her staring at me. WHAT THE HELL IS SHE THINKING? Perhaps I could talk with her more.
But I didn't.

Incident 3:

I am really interested in photography. Was looking for information and that's some inner voice telling me to greedily take a gulp of all the introduction on it. All sorts of fantasy : to be a free lance photography who documents life and showing the world my perspective. Travelling, getting into every corner of the world. WHAT ELSE IS MORE FREE-WILLED OR ROMANTIC THAN THAT? I WANT MORE TIME WITH PHOTOGRAPHY- PHOTOGRAPHY IS MY LIFE!

Yet I was thinking I am not assuring myself enough. When the environment is not comforting me, I tend to blame myself :- I have told you already, but you are not always listening. (AH- right now I am blaming myself for distracted by EASON CHAN) Searched for a trustworthy shop yet stop by a phone accessory shop and got myself a battery charger for mum and I. Then went to the next level and attracted by different filter and that moment I just realized that there are a lot of cheap alternatives to photography gear and that's where I should get used to myself - for finding like (scavenger hunt) for things that might be necessary for making my OWN footage and I myself is the director and film-maker. Director Huang, by that time I could have my business, own car, big house .. dreaming) Sometimes I thought to myself whether I am procrastinating myself when facing the pile of assignments. I spent the last couple of days looking for film cameras. There is a wording that is completely true: Be careful of what you are dreaming, they would COME TRUE. Actually you can do it. Looking for schools abroad, you can do it! Why waiting when you can start it now?
I think I am never direct enough to set my requirements to other because I am not clear of what I want at time. Life is a maze and the most unbearable thing is the time you "lose" when you don't know where you should go.

Incident 4,
I was dying to have some pancakes and I scold my maid very outrageously that she did not inform me before I left home in the early afternoon. I realize I had a big temper and I should minimize it to zero and I should closely keep track on my "incidents" from time to time.


Should happiness be a tool to achieve something?

Perhaps I should seriously consider taking photography seriously.

I want to chase my dream, with all soul and heart and reach myself to a higher height.

Why depression? Am I an ego-conflicting person or I am destined to take that harder path?

Today is another night that I like to wear socks into bed :)

Heartache

Once upon a time,
there is a caged fox.
A little boy went a bit closer and the fox was wounded
he stepped back
and boy reached out for the iron bars and
the boy hear the fox sob.
Why
The heart is aching
there is a whole inside that no one can fills
many holes
friends, family, his lazy lifestyle
self indulging sleeping for most of the days
the boy hug and hit his head on the iron bars.

Someday the boy went to the cage again,
and he saw the bear has a great heart but it was chained
he was dying to look for the world outside.
Being teased, embarsassed eyed by thousands of tourists,
the tasteless life
                                                              of feeding, sleeping, the bear felt exhausted

drenched in the thoughts that every time
the cage keeper said if he performed well in circus,
they would let him go.
So he waited for unlimited times,
while they arouse the torture for him at the same time.
He decided to release his ego,
let this heart take wherever he wants.
Leaving the baggage, unwanted journey behind.

He planned an escape to see the world with his own eyes.

Stay strong.

Sometime you really have to be stronger to deal with situations.

I may want to be friend with everyone,

but in the real life, if you step down then you would only be stepped on your face.

There are people with greed, and honestly I don't want to do with those people.

The reason why you are being friendly with every person means that 

you don't know exactly what you want.

Sometimes you need to pretend you are good at things

and pretend you are psychologically strong

to get rid of those work

that doesn't only mean academic skills,

but also your preseverance

so nail your ielts, be prepared for expressing your views, fighting for your values.

If that's you, embrace yourself and work with preseverance.

And if you want to climb up that social ladder,

sometimes you got to defense and fight back.

Don't to let those challenges alter you goals.

But the mostly important thing is

know where you are heading to

and work your ass off.

Don't glorify things but keep it up.

But money is a key issue.

I don't want to be defined by money terms.

If I have to work my ass off for my career,

why not find something I am truly passionate about?