Have I turned to be a (students') pet?

Alarm rang at 5:30 pm

Snooze and struggle to work on my worksheets,

powerpoints, those lesson materials and plans that those students just don't care

they just don't care about their future

saying rude things regardless of what the teacher preach

then struggle and laying in my bedwomb

then get the bag, get my sweater, and going to bathroom to brush my teeth

and asked my "nanny" to pick my pants,

grabbed my laptop and laptor, thinking it might help me to be more comfortable in my lesson planning and all ther matterials prepation, then I grabbed my breakie, lunchbox and saw the clock I knew I am late for the bus. Trying to rush through the pace thou the heavy bag on my shoulder was crashing and burdening my shoulder than any of the people of my age. I tried to match my footsteps and rushing to see if the 30x was delayed but then I walked past one corner to another, peepin through the lady at the Mcdonalds enjoying a cup of hot drink, I imagine one day I would be chilling at that time daydreaming or reading a book or preparing my perfect plan for the day which I could finally get rid of those monsters, regardless of what those idiots are going to learn in my class and remembering what homework they still owed me. I was forcing my legs not to stop and realizing how ideal sometimes my thoughts are, particularly one like waking up at six and rushing all the work just to get the relaxing moment to chill with a hot chocolate by the window. Romantic ? Is that how I should call it? Or is that just unrealistic at all? The thoughts seemed to flashed as my adrenaline level rose when I can no sign of those usual people waiting for the same bus. The short guy with a torn backpack stuffed with examination papers. With his tight and high military haircut and punctuality, he always sits by the side of the supermarket right to the bustop. And waving his straight and short hand whenever he "saw" the bus coming thou his eyesight was not that good sometimes. My impression of this hardworking guy related me to a student in my class. Edgar was a student putting effort in his learning and whenever I pose a question on the meaning of a word, he would pull out his electronic dictionary in his pocket and get the job done and raised his hand. But his skin problem made him stay at hospital to defer his study last year and he enrolled this year to start his secondary three life. But one day I start to realize the distinct difference between Edgar and that short hair guy. The guy was actually very indecent in his act of spliting to the roadside. I still clearly remmeber he choked and he pull down his mask and spilt, just right near to the bus stop. And then he pulled on the mask and pretend nothing had happened and get his octopus card. I was stand there for several seconds wondering in disguised how many gems he had spread. Sometimes a tiny mistake in life can really break the integrity of some good qualities. Maybe that's why those serial and franchised production stressed so much on the details. Reflecting back on my life, thinking back my first two years spent in HKIEd is like a fish leaving the school of fish, drifting anyway starting with some fish from other districts, with totally different specialist and personality, somehow the storm, the social 

then on my way through the hollow tunnel I start to really think about my unrealistic goals, like for the work prepared for the band three kids, my over-confidence when my biology teacher :why I always fall to be the victim to those really shameful experiences when people have their fingers pointing at my head? And all the shame is a haunting alarming me everytime there is something wrong that triggers my emotional outburst. And that's actually a very often case.

Just today when I fast forward to my lesson at KTS at Rm306 7th lesson. I was rushing to get back my materials for class when the students remind me English is the 7th lesson. As usual I was spending five minutes to collect homework and trying to settle everything down. Knowing Ms W was away for the speech festival I was attracting students' attention on some unusal jobs. I showed them a slide of some unusal jobs and I thought it amusing to ask why there should be pet testers on the world. Then I replied in a casual way that it is because pet can never know the taste. Then one student threw me back a response that I felt indignified, so teacher how can u be the pet food tester? you must have the taste of a dog? Then the whole class was pointing fingers at this disrespectful boy, and he denied what he has done, he was always challenging to authority and it might be one way to show his dissatisfaction of appointing him as the homework collector, then out of anger and anguish, I started to ask him to repeat once again what he said and he quickly continue my limits, "WHat did I say that makes u feel I am disrespectful?' He was denying what he said. And I have to put someone's name like the discipline teacher L Sir . Then vice principle walked by and sensed all that. Our class must have been very noisy. THose classmates are just like an uncontrolled monsters. That moment didn't end even I finished with all the unwanted obligation of collecting all the assignment. The moment I walked away from school I thought of escaping to another dimension through self indulging activities like reading books, films that draw myself away from the reality : that I have to go through all that tomorrow morning b4 the reporting time and chasing all the homework books for homework inspection. Sometimes I really think why I have to work so hard when compared to my peers? It is hard to imagine myself not committing suicide in the next 3 months. Then the only hope I have is to find help from teachers tmr. But first I should meditate, sleep and keep a record of my feelings. THen get back to my careful-homework-marking-lesson-preparing-day and night style. Welcome to the life of hell.