Bad day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

             Lyrics from Daniel Powter-Bad Day

Today I had lots of sleep

yet once I woke up,

a sudden sense of emptyness is haunting

why am I here? what is my value of living?

perhaps that's the consequence of someone desperate to find their lost or broken ego"

I thought of the routine of my day, and suddenly it is so dull ..

that my reason of living seem not valid. 

Yet the responsibility and the whole happiness project force me to get out of my room,

brush my teeth and sooth my hair,

choose a not so grumpy t-shirt, 

wear the torn or boring jeans.

The best part of my outfit is probably my dessert boots,

Boots is my all time favourite.

Yet on somedays it hurting my ankle to wear them, because of all the rubbing during the long walk from home to uni. Approx 1 hr walking per day.

Then I try to occupy myself with readings before returning the books to the library,

push myself to read a habit book and want to fall asleep when I reach ShaTin station,

I realize I could look at the ebook on my phone.

Get off at uni station , wait long enough at the shuttle bus.

Get off..

I realize most of the time, because of the desire to be the first to leave the bus to rush to another destination, either library or home ( my world is tiny I know), the front 5 rows has been my favourite. Though sometimes when I am moody I use to sit back and have a more comfy and spacious place to wander instead of rushing home.

I rush to the library, put my lunchbox in the fridge, get myself a coffee,grap a book to return to the lecturer(she was not there), reply email for a consultation, worrying about my time arrangement for three upcoming assignments before the appointment tomorrow. Print out the forms to submit. Searching for information on tutorial preparation, ( I feel like why my life is so dull .. I am a robot, things starts to be in auto mode once I enter the campus yet sadly its what keep my life going, sometimes I pause and I realize that is not what I want in my life and why am I still doing it day after day? Can't I just LEAVE? Or am I waiting for someone strong enough to pull me out from this vicious cycle?

Then I improve on my compare thee to a summers day with reference to Barret Browning. Or am I really that type of person with weak personality?

Then I put all my problems and list them out to my counsellor and she did not give constructive advice but agree to turn the session into a goal keeping and communicating with email. She always said to me to do things step by step. But not if you are having an up-slope climb, you gotta keep your motivation and never look down. Her approach is somewhat like smothering.

Then she asked me for consent to see her consistently yet I replied yes. Perhaps I made a major thinking error as it is good to receive some false information rather than none. Now I realize it and I would never see her I think.

Then I rush back for LKC 's consultation, prepared for activities yet mislead by his "silent reply", he gave a fuss about his requirement "in time", and gave me time limitations to ask questions yet being replying in half-serious tone, should have kept . It is true that once you expose yrself, people would attack on your weakness. I think when similar thing happen, it is my problem, improper time management, challenging myself on something impossible to achieve, no matter it is the (self dependent recovery and insurance, enough sleep and exercise, academic excellence and exchange, same as I didn't consider much when I chose my major, now I am considering changing orientation as an escape? etc) there's just poor self-time-management skills. The changing or leaping from one thought to another just demonstrate how immature and insecure I am, or simply put, I don't know what I want exactly, I didn't make a prolonged decision and be fully responsible or single minded once I made the decision. I was just thinking an intrusive girl was asking questions all the time and she was annoying and she didn't know it. She caught me by surprise and her greasy hair is so untidy.. Should have told her yet maybe her condition is better and maybe she knows what she is doing and strong enough not to collapse in these years?

After that I felt rather grey because simply of the criticism that I did not make prompt reservation. I was holding my emotions yet it did not seem to be a good way of dealing with problems. Yet I channel those energy into something constructive. Though I really thought mean people are really blocking my way. I learn listen to the part of "advice" on starting things earlier, rather than putting the case too personally. Then I got the books, print my drafts for later use, dial home for a late dinner, return books, queue up for shuttle, waiting for miracle to happen and caught the bus just on time, got the discounted japanese coffee mix, changed my conception on the saleslady by her sudden sarcasm when I asked for clarification on the price .., feeling grumpier and return home.

Force a smile and feeling impatient to hurry for dinner, fill my stomach, have a genuine laugh on my little granny, a kiss on my grandpa's cheek as a comfort for his aching arm (due to prolonged gaming on IPAD) then lock myself in the room to calm and waste something before preparing myself some trivial matters ( documents, writings, readings and discussion with MUM!) mum is always the motivation despite she could be bad as a witch haha.

Life is good when it is simple.