So I have made another fuss about things

So it is another night that I feel like very envious about things

that always people in my family never make me feel and I do feel remorseful about my childhood

That is always lots of argument going at home,

and through time has passed, lots of guests come and leave

That has proven me one again and again 

that those people who has hurt,

they were having feast and we were only sitting there at the corner

saying we are out of their league

this is a traditional hierarchal family in Chinese family

where children are being told to adapt to the society

or actually I am simply frustrated to inform my parents how I feel about them.

I know deeply that they are not the positive, supportive and cheering parents.

However should I be empathetic about them, being realized my mum is a single parent

and that she did have a dysfunctional family. Can those be related to the low social economic status.

Or is this why I have been working all my life to chase the speed of the competitive society

where there is no interest in repeating in the routine work,

being shaped by the social expectation

That's why after everyday work,

I feel really emptiness and only drag on entertainment for gratification

When school has become a pressure cooker 

and knowledge can diverge people's minds and souls,

the difference of the what the labels society has exerted on us and what  I truly want to achieve in my life just seems to become more and more significant

Growing in life when everyday work is diverging and isolating souls.

There are times that there are social gatherings that I have to attend

There are fun times, or one of those occasions that I must attend,

like secondary school gatherings

but I just want to hide and isolate myself a bit. Have to be in my comfort zone once in a while

Although I kind of like to express myself through a bit of self talk here in my blog,

I so sometimes want to get some outgoing energy from others,

also that's what I gained from my experience of mania in bipolar 

is that I used to have all that kinds of excitement about people,

and all sorts of motivation, strong interest in almost everything

Have faith and have an evangellion experience that 

you feel your spirits is elevated and you are born to celebrate everyday 

That is one of the best experience I have ever had in my life I promise.

Sometimes I feel doubtful of my diagnosis 

I think it is a sign from my body that I don't enjoy my life in a bit 

I have to change something in me

rather than displaying my temper and searching that purpose.

But I want a creative place at night and a group of tribe to share moments in life

to let creative juice flow

yet it is so difficult to find one right now 

that doesnt exist

but isn't that what creativity is about, being imaginative and not being afraid to make mistakes

It is also about a framing of mind.

Have to exclude all the undesirable outcome

Or I read a book about