Free writing

Okay so something about me,  am quite a easily pleased and negotiable person, thought there are good and bad points. And everyday I woke up in the morning feeling there is a mission or a part of my mind that needs to be fulfilled yet I should continue the boring and exhausting work day after day. If I even couldn't keep the work myself, what arguments would I have towards keeping people working at home to help me out? Who is gonna be that person that is in need and mature and patient enough to get to listen to all the needs of my grandparents? I personally think it is not the way for elderly to be kept in a centre where there are assigned nurses to take care of them. Yet what is truly on my mind is to become free and not to worry a bit about my family, all the prolonged diseases, it comes all along with the package of living with your grandparents. Or is my sympathy not necessary at all? Is it better off to choose a suitable home to host them where they get access to all the care by the "professionals"? But back to the point this is equivalent to handing your child to those caretakers and believe all this would turn out to be okay, just to be in your own benefit or the only way out to leave room for your own duty or concern. However, I simply can't do that, because I don't trust those people. If I am not that concerned, I couldn't have diversified opinion with the Australian rooted brother so much. Different child, different faith. It is sometimes really surprising that with a different education background we could share so different personality. And now even if he has his own job, he was making excuse of that to avoid all the family responsibility, so how can you imagine a girl with a brother like that can bare the whole responsibility? Like what I have said, it is not about the ambitious you have, one can always reach their goal regardless of causing conflicts among their closed ones, they didn't intend to satisfy everyone at the very end. However, I am not sure if there is what a bread winner should be. And now my wish to study or live abroad might seem a sweet escape. All the thoughts I am now pondering on shows I do really care, and I sometimes feel I am trapped by the guilt that I have caused harm to the family because of the way I thought I could hold things back together, but it turns out I do it in force and there is no one strong enough to be at home to take into considerations of all that, especially when Dad is gone and his power has gone due to that mistake he made. There is no one setting a clear rules at home.

That is too much for me. The best thing would be to invest my future and letting all those things beyond my control to leave it, and sort things out when you have a better mindset. Is this procrastination or should I need some wisdom to find the meaning of my own life and all the people entangled in my relationship? Or are those people who didn't satisfy your need in childhood it can leave you a scar to trust them or people that leave you with the same feelings? In a entangled self identity, how can I draw a fine line between the social identity and the family values against my own beliefs? I have to make my life count.