A letter to Mum

I realize I am not that fluent in words, or else I won't trigger any of your negative emotions when you are trying to communicate with my or persuade me. We are never reaching a unanimous view ( which is natural because we hold different values ever since I was small) I still recall the moments, or retold by you, that I used to react quite violently on your criticisms, from the “unsatisfactory” school results to very minor habits. But do you think it works? What are you thinking when we misbehave? Or when we simply don't act the way you want. Don't you think you are a little bit controlling? By imposing your values and altitude on daily chores, from the way we pack our schoolbag to every habits we have, what time to go to bed, what clothes do we wear. We do absolutely appreciate all the dedicated efforts you have put ( simply because father left when we were young). And if we don't behave the way you want, you complain to the others. But do you ever consider you are or you should be the one to consider how you are treating others and how you want to be treated. If you want someone( like us) to communicate with you sincerely, have you ever opened up yourself to anybody? Remember it is very different from asking help when a problem arises. A true and deep relationship is all about trust, you have to keep people informed of your daily lives (not just buddhism). And I seriously think if you devote your whole life into buddhism is not what we expect. But if you are really determined, you weigh all the pros and cons and you make your mission clear, you should go for it. Or else I think you can still devote yourself to other volunteer services to service those people in need. Seriously sometimes I feel like home is not a place for security and love. So I went to library for study. And when I am back I am already tired and your nagging just did not help a bit to make my feel warmth at home. Perhaps that's the reason why dad left. I can continue on all the bad impacts it has, like we are scared to share our thoughts because we are afraid or too sensitive of how others think, because what is imprinted in our mind is when we grow up, the lack of respect or unconditional regard of our own inner voice. That's what hinder our personality growth. In fact, you did not help to build up the personal relationship with us that we don't have interest in personal relationship with people around me. The growing environment shape us into who we are. We are too timid/ slowly react to all the misfortunes that occured. We are used to surrender because on the values other imposed on us. But ignoring the fact that we can change others' altitude as long as we explain ourselves. It is not wrong to tell others you can't make it, but you have to keep others informed.

And now we grow up ( in a hard way) . You should have your own life. Stop pampering or following closely behind your kids anymore. They can't grow that way, nor is your worrying beneficial to you yourself or us. Give us freedom, that is not something that money can buy. We are separate entities and please don't step too close. Leave the communication channel open and we will get back to you at times. Even though your kids is your creation, or you would think they are perfect in your own eyes, bear in mind that one day they would leave you and have their own life. But those traumatic childhood experiences did make us mature a lot than adults of the same age. And undoubtedly I have been silly to get myself into depression and mania which drives brother to the edge of another nervous breakdown( but he set a bad enough model) . The guilt I felt whenever I took at the coward/timid looking photographer is more tremendous than the guilt I felt when I chose not to disclose father's wrongdoings when I was small. 

It mentally exhaust me to struggle mentally without telling you the truth. And that's it. I will end all the disagreement or quarrel here. Same for all the childhood misfortune, misfit for social groups, I don't have to be the “actress” in the sad comedy waiting for a prince to come any more. If you are wanting to make a difference in your time, the best time is NOW and do the things that matters to you or the things you like! You can have strength, you can be fit, you can be beautiful, you can be whatever you want, just dare to wish!