Sometimes I do feel tired

There are time when the silver linings are just disappeared, when all the passion, the determination for recovery, eager to fuel up my energy tank for self improvement, academic knowledge and .. meeting the deadlines.Suddenly you feel you all the things you are trying very hard to hold on to are .. useless.
That doesn't count in the life I wanted.
unfriendly things, people and a pile of dull boring work
I don't feel myself creative anymore
in a school setting doesn't care.
When students only play computer games.
Isn't it sad? When games, media entertainment everywhere
entertainment is never to be taken seriously as it kills time
instead of searching for truer and deeper meaning in life.
That sucks.
You can basically assess the school's organization by the tidiness of the pantry.

Bad day

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

             Lyrics from Daniel Powter-Bad Day

Today I had lots of sleep

yet once I woke up,

a sudden sense of emptyness is haunting

why am I here? what is my value of living?

perhaps that's the consequence of someone desperate to find their lost or broken ego"

I thought of the routine of my day, and suddenly it is so dull ..

that my reason of living seem not valid. 

Yet the responsibility and the whole happiness project force me to get out of my room,

brush my teeth and sooth my hair,

choose a not so grumpy t-shirt, 

wear the torn or boring jeans.

The best part of my outfit is probably my dessert boots,

Boots is my all time favourite.

Yet on somedays it hurting my ankle to wear them, because of all the rubbing during the long walk from home to uni. Approx 1 hr walking per day.

Then I try to occupy myself with readings before returning the books to the library,

push myself to read a habit book and want to fall asleep when I reach ShaTin station,

I realize I could look at the ebook on my phone.

Get off at uni station , wait long enough at the shuttle bus.

Get off..

I realize most of the time, because of the desire to be the first to leave the bus to rush to another destination, either library or home ( my world is tiny I know), the front 5 rows has been my favourite. Though sometimes when I am moody I use to sit back and have a more comfy and spacious place to wander instead of rushing home.

I rush to the library, put my lunchbox in the fridge, get myself a coffee,grap a book to return to the lecturer(she was not there), reply email for a consultation, worrying about my time arrangement for three upcoming assignments before the appointment tomorrow. Print out the forms to submit. Searching for information on tutorial preparation, ( I feel like why my life is so dull .. I am a robot, things starts to be in auto mode once I enter the campus yet sadly its what keep my life going, sometimes I pause and I realize that is not what I want in my life and why am I still doing it day after day? Can't I just LEAVE? Or am I waiting for someone strong enough to pull me out from this vicious cycle?

Then I improve on my compare thee to a summers day with reference to Barret Browning. Or am I really that type of person with weak personality?

Then I put all my problems and list them out to my counsellor and she did not give constructive advice but agree to turn the session into a goal keeping and communicating with email. She always said to me to do things step by step. But not if you are having an up-slope climb, you gotta keep your motivation and never look down. Her approach is somewhat like smothering.

Then she asked me for consent to see her consistently yet I replied yes. Perhaps I made a major thinking error as it is good to receive some false information rather than none. Now I realize it and I would never see her I think.

Then I rush back for LKC 's consultation, prepared for activities yet mislead by his "silent reply", he gave a fuss about his requirement "in time", and gave me time limitations to ask questions yet being replying in half-serious tone, should have kept . It is true that once you expose yrself, people would attack on your weakness. I think when similar thing happen, it is my problem, improper time management, challenging myself on something impossible to achieve, no matter it is the (self dependent recovery and insurance, enough sleep and exercise, academic excellence and exchange, same as I didn't consider much when I chose my major, now I am considering changing orientation as an escape? etc) there's just poor self-time-management skills. The changing or leaping from one thought to another just demonstrate how immature and insecure I am, or simply put, I don't know what I want exactly, I didn't make a prolonged decision and be fully responsible or single minded once I made the decision. I was just thinking an intrusive girl was asking questions all the time and she was annoying and she didn't know it. She caught me by surprise and her greasy hair is so untidy.. Should have told her yet maybe her condition is better and maybe she knows what she is doing and strong enough not to collapse in these years?

After that I felt rather grey because simply of the criticism that I did not make prompt reservation. I was holding my emotions yet it did not seem to be a good way of dealing with problems. Yet I channel those energy into something constructive. Though I really thought mean people are really blocking my way. I learn listen to the part of "advice" on starting things earlier, rather than putting the case too personally. Then I got the books, print my drafts for later use, dial home for a late dinner, return books, queue up for shuttle, waiting for miracle to happen and caught the bus just on time, got the discounted japanese coffee mix, changed my conception on the saleslady by her sudden sarcasm when I asked for clarification on the price .., feeling grumpier and return home.

Force a smile and feeling impatient to hurry for dinner, fill my stomach, have a genuine laugh on my little granny, a kiss on my grandpa's cheek as a comfort for his aching arm (due to prolonged gaming on IPAD) then lock myself in the room to calm and waste something before preparing myself some trivial matters ( documents, writings, readings and discussion with MUM!) mum is always the motivation despite she could be bad as a witch haha.

Life is good when it is simple. 

When someone doesn't satisfy your need when you are small, they never will.

I am not trying to be a good person

but I guess there are times that I really am sick of being at home

but my bad tantrum is not getting me anywhere.

Remember there is one person telling me not to be a good person

as they happen to let everyone unhappy at the end.

Honestly, I hope mum is the lady that is competent 

and can handle things properly and get things and people in good shape

unfortunately she is too burdened

She tried to explain, "communicate"

(yet nobody cares...)

But her innocent mind and will power is not strong enough.

Who cares to lend a helping hand?

There must be a gentleman waiting to turn up in my life .

And one day I am mature enough to set up fence 

to all those unwelcomed.

Mum I love you, 

but I have to leave my home. 

I am the misfit and one day

I would be achieving with my vision mission clearly.

* It is a pain in the ass to see people I hate liking every status I have.

*Emotions have their use

* Some say they should go through all the childhood traumas to heal.

Thanks Huang Man Kei Mendy

for suffering. You ought to work much harder everyday.

Autumn

Taking care of elderly is stressful, mentally and physically.

The triggering point is that I was mad at achieving a distinction grade for the literature exam tomorrow,

and while my granny was endlessly finding her words to finish her sentence,

it caught my nerve.

Yet while I was walking home, 

I can't help thinking how the media was focusing on commercialism yet how many elderly are there waiting for help.

Right now granny is in a centre which she really likes

Yet she is fearful towards the requirement for the events.

Or is it that I was listening to saddening eason chan's songs lately

or is the autumn weather ?

Plus the beautiful tragedy of Literature ::

Easter 1916, Oscar Wilde, Rocking Horse winner...

Thinking about it, I felt so regretful for the harm I did to Granny

All the bad words from an immature person.

Highly retrospective due to the unresolved family conflicts.
People who hurt and highly disrespectful.
That's the time I think I really have to learn to withstand things.

Showing your best side to the world

I am not shining a light on how to present yourself in the possibly best way, yet it is just a day by day reflection on little incidents that most people may find it trivial. I guess that's why it is from a different perspective. Skip it if you are not interested .. Found a random picture which brings some antique taste..

Incident 1:

Yesterday I talked to a kind friend of mine that I should learn a lot from her cheerful altitude
she told me that "You haven't seen the dark Annie. We should learn from each other."
That split second I was wondering what can others learn from me?
What are their impression about me, what is good about me, what is bad about me...
All those self improvement topics seem to appear constantly and haunt me again (even in nightmare)
I was really caught off- guard. Then my mind was blown away by the idea of having rugby with a group of english speakers/ bilingual players..

Similarly,
Incident 2:

Today I met a rather intimidating mentally ill girl (her appearance is very obvious), with her body always inclining me, stopping myself from talking on the phone and wanting to grab my attention for her. She was intruding in my own personal space by leaning towards me (in a very awkward and pretending that we were.. close) I told her that everyone was waiting and she had to calm down. Yet she seemed to take advantage of me taking care of her and she was making a request that "we stay together in line" to wait for the ticket lady at the counter .. I moved to the end of the queue despite her stopping. Luckily my mum appear soon afterwards and I avoided her staring at me. WHAT THE HELL IS SHE THINKING? Perhaps I could talk with her more.
But I didn't.

Incident 3:

I am really interested in photography. Was looking for information and that's some inner voice telling me to greedily take a gulp of all the introduction on it. All sorts of fantasy : to be a free lance photography who documents life and showing the world my perspective. Travelling, getting into every corner of the world. WHAT ELSE IS MORE FREE-WILLED OR ROMANTIC THAN THAT? I WANT MORE TIME WITH PHOTOGRAPHY- PHOTOGRAPHY IS MY LIFE!

Yet I was thinking I am not assuring myself enough. When the environment is not comforting me, I tend to blame myself :- I have told you already, but you are not always listening. (AH- right now I am blaming myself for distracted by EASON CHAN) Searched for a trustworthy shop yet stop by a phone accessory shop and got myself a battery charger for mum and I. Then went to the next level and attracted by different filter and that moment I just realized that there are a lot of cheap alternatives to photography gear and that's where I should get used to myself - for finding like (scavenger hunt) for things that might be necessary for making my OWN footage and I myself is the director and film-maker. Director Huang, by that time I could have my business, own car, big house .. dreaming) Sometimes I thought to myself whether I am procrastinating myself when facing the pile of assignments. I spent the last couple of days looking for film cameras. There is a wording that is completely true: Be careful of what you are dreaming, they would COME TRUE. Actually you can do it. Looking for schools abroad, you can do it! Why waiting when you can start it now?
I think I am never direct enough to set my requirements to other because I am not clear of what I want at time. Life is a maze and the most unbearable thing is the time you "lose" when you don't know where you should go.

Incident 4,
I was dying to have some pancakes and I scold my maid very outrageously that she did not inform me before I left home in the early afternoon. I realize I had a big temper and I should minimize it to zero and I should closely keep track on my "incidents" from time to time.


Should happiness be a tool to achieve something?

Perhaps I should seriously consider taking photography seriously.

I want to chase my dream, with all soul and heart and reach myself to a higher height.

Why depression? Am I an ego-conflicting person or I am destined to take that harder path?

Today is another night that I like to wear socks into bed :)

Heartache

Once upon a time,
there is a caged fox.
A little boy went a bit closer and the fox was wounded
he stepped back
and boy reached out for the iron bars and
the boy hear the fox sob.
Why
The heart is aching
there is a whole inside that no one can fills
many holes
friends, family, his lazy lifestyle
self indulging sleeping for most of the days
the boy hug and hit his head on the iron bars.

Someday the boy went to the cage again,
and he saw the bear has a great heart but it was chained
he was dying to look for the world outside.
Being teased, embarsassed eyed by thousands of tourists,
the tasteless life
                                                              of feeding, sleeping, the bear felt exhausted

drenched in the thoughts that every time
the cage keeper said if he performed well in circus,
they would let him go.
So he waited for unlimited times,
while they arouse the torture for him at the same time.
He decided to release his ego,
let this heart take wherever he wants.
Leaving the baggage, unwanted journey behind.

He planned an escape to see the world with his own eyes.

Stay strong.

Sometime you really have to be stronger to deal with situations.

I may want to be friend with everyone,

but in the real life, if you step down then you would only be stepped on your face.

There are people with greed, and honestly I don't want to do with those people.

The reason why you are being friendly with every person means that 

you don't know exactly what you want.

Sometimes you need to pretend you are good at things

and pretend you are psychologically strong

to get rid of those work

that doesn't only mean academic skills,

but also your preseverance

so nail your ielts, be prepared for expressing your views, fighting for your values.

If that's you, embrace yourself and work with preseverance.

And if you want to climb up that social ladder,

sometimes you got to defense and fight back.

Don't to let those challenges alter you goals.

But the mostly important thing is

know where you are heading to

and work your ass off.

Don't glorify things but keep it up.

But money is a key issue.

I don't want to be defined by money terms.

If I have to work my ass off for my career,

why not find something I am truly passionate about?

50 things to do before I die (1)

1. Kiss and hug someone I like
2. Find a boyfriend and visit Disneyland
3. Watch a breath taking movie
4. Enjoy rides in theme park
5. Learn to drive
6. Get a job: Know/love what I am doing and work myself all the way
7. Find a true sincere friend
8. Teach students to be bright with my own resources/materials
9. Gather with bright minds to discuss insights on the world
10. Road trip in USA
11. Europe Tour
12. Met a foreign (boy)friend
13. Be better in shape
14. Match my Dr. Martens in style
15. Be really good at one instrument
16. Have a functional family
17. Graduate, photoshoot with my favourite teachers
18. Make my own videoclip
19. Take part in a photography competition
20. Write my OWN book
21. Learn to photoshop without letting others know how I photoshop it
22. Keep my own library
23. Have a DIY station
24. Have my dream home
25. Keep my journals/ blogs
26. Meet my teenage fantasy -Mcfly

Memo-random

Say things when necessary, rather than brag.
Keep your head thinking clearly.
Don't over-stress yourself
Remember you should enjoy life.
Don't mess up scrumbags, they don't worth a slight bit of attention.
If you don't boost your self-confidence, how can you attract positivity in life?
Give yourself a go before you say no to things.
Expose yourself or your feelings rather than withdrawing from the obstacles.
Cheer up !
You can do it.

Daughter of the Earth

Once upon a time, when human is still a pure creation of God, the reptiles have been jealous for the warmth creature, their animated face and highly intelligent mind and long appendixes which allows them to walk or run. But what they truly want from human is their pumping heart- which allows them to feel and sense any emotions, they believe that through preserving their noble heart they can fuel up the cool kingdom (which is full of greed) at that time. They are looking for a leader with a great heart to end the conspiracy reptile nation. Therefore a young and determined reptilian (was send to the Earth (with the face and body of a human during nightime) to explore the people on Earth and complete the mission. It was not easy, but he found the offspring of Eve and Adam (the prime human figure in the bible). Their expectation on her ( Finny) to be passionate, happy and full of energy. They seem to be WRONG. She is a lady of baggage, her happiness died in her childhood, her underlying strangled struggle leads to endless tears at night. Her coldness due to abandonment and dysfunctional family (she hates his father, uncle). She has to bear the role of taking care of her brother, her mentally ill mum. She was the only one that can think clearly in the family. The Reptilian plots to entangle all those negative strands connected to her memory and "host" in her memory in order to save her and bring light to their planet, at the same time aware he does not have enough time before the human skin burst open to expose his true identity.

I screw up my interview today

I screw up my interview today.
I was very excited and I should say, "confident" at first when I stepped into the room,
but then a series of challenging questions arose, my past experience in Australia,
my poor academics results in the last two years, all of them seemed to be pulling my legs,
especially because recently I have been keeping contact with nice and friendly people who are welcoming, through CS or at school,
but seldom do I encounter such an disrespectful person,
who uses their former discussion as a getaway for my burst of emotions.
So that is life? That is what you get when you are being labelled as students with mental problems?
I do have a lot of problems or traumas in my life, but do you really think I am in full control of all that? Even if you as an adult experience that, you reckon you have the control of all that? Huh?
I don't want to complain but you are definitely stepping on my face.

All those friendly suggestion did not help anymore.
I have learnt not to be trapped within a power struggle, again.
Whether I can stay with my "diminished" dignity ..
somehow I think it is not important anymore.
If I am really determined to take a break and reflect on my OWN life,
no one can stop me, even my mum.
But first of all, I have to PROVE YOU ARE ALL WRONG.
I have unlimited potentials in learning what I am interested in, all I have to do is to unleash it by changing my mentality a little bit, and with the help of a supportive network.
But if change is necessary, NOW is the best time.
And if you have the big and clear goal in your life, you do CARE,
and everything will come naturally.
I can do it!

A letter to Mum

I realize I am not that fluent in words, or else I won't trigger any of your negative emotions when you are trying to communicate with my or persuade me. We are never reaching a unanimous view ( which is natural because we hold different values ever since I was small) I still recall the moments, or retold by you, that I used to react quite violently on your criticisms, from the “unsatisfactory” school results to very minor habits. But do you think it works? What are you thinking when we misbehave? Or when we simply don't act the way you want. Don't you think you are a little bit controlling? By imposing your values and altitude on daily chores, from the way we pack our schoolbag to every habits we have, what time to go to bed, what clothes do we wear. We do absolutely appreciate all the dedicated efforts you have put ( simply because father left when we were young). And if we don't behave the way you want, you complain to the others. But do you ever consider you are or you should be the one to consider how you are treating others and how you want to be treated. If you want someone( like us) to communicate with you sincerely, have you ever opened up yourself to anybody? Remember it is very different from asking help when a problem arises. A true and deep relationship is all about trust, you have to keep people informed of your daily lives (not just buddhism). And I seriously think if you devote your whole life into buddhism is not what we expect. But if you are really determined, you weigh all the pros and cons and you make your mission clear, you should go for it. Or else I think you can still devote yourself to other volunteer services to service those people in need. Seriously sometimes I feel like home is not a place for security and love. So I went to library for study. And when I am back I am already tired and your nagging just did not help a bit to make my feel warmth at home. Perhaps that's the reason why dad left. I can continue on all the bad impacts it has, like we are scared to share our thoughts because we are afraid or too sensitive of how others think, because what is imprinted in our mind is when we grow up, the lack of respect or unconditional regard of our own inner voice. That's what hinder our personality growth. In fact, you did not help to build up the personal relationship with us that we don't have interest in personal relationship with people around me. The growing environment shape us into who we are. We are too timid/ slowly react to all the misfortunes that occured. We are used to surrender because on the values other imposed on us. But ignoring the fact that we can change others' altitude as long as we explain ourselves. It is not wrong to tell others you can't make it, but you have to keep others informed.

And now we grow up ( in a hard way) . You should have your own life. Stop pampering or following closely behind your kids anymore. They can't grow that way, nor is your worrying beneficial to you yourself or us. Give us freedom, that is not something that money can buy. We are separate entities and please don't step too close. Leave the communication channel open and we will get back to you at times. Even though your kids is your creation, or you would think they are perfect in your own eyes, bear in mind that one day they would leave you and have their own life. But those traumatic childhood experiences did make us mature a lot than adults of the same age. And undoubtedly I have been silly to get myself into depression and mania which drives brother to the edge of another nervous breakdown( but he set a bad enough model) . The guilt I felt whenever I took at the coward/timid looking photographer is more tremendous than the guilt I felt when I chose not to disclose father's wrongdoings when I was small. 

It mentally exhaust me to struggle mentally without telling you the truth. And that's it. I will end all the disagreement or quarrel here. Same for all the childhood misfortune, misfit for social groups, I don't have to be the “actress” in the sad comedy waiting for a prince to come any more. If you are wanting to make a difference in your time, the best time is NOW and do the things that matters to you or the things you like! You can have strength, you can be fit, you can be beautiful, you can be whatever you want, just dare to wish!

I swear

I swear to God
Even though I haven't done this for long
I want a functional family where every member gives me warm and love
I swear.
I really want that empathy, love, respect, whatever you call it.
I have been desperately thirsty for it yet it has always been missing.
No matter how hard I do at school, you can't see it.
No matter how hurtful I feel among peers, you didn't feel it.
No matter how I hate the enemies, you didn't know it.
And now I am really to get my own life, you didn't understand it.