債

很多的債未清理

沒有summer duty

很孩子氣的抵抗

遇到不順心氣焰boss

提心吊膽 放棄重拾魄力

冷眼看同事exploit 他們

還真過份的 原諒不了

價值觀 自我中心

Paid to work, not learn

Careless mistakes.

無論任何工作都需要呀

連名字都不想記起的G

為何你來電我都沒接
只想用沉默交待
於心有愧

累人累己滋味　餘生也記起
數一數　我實情不只得你要說句對不起

另一邊箱
A 我還是在想你
這是在我hook up憶起的你
那個生命中曾經最美的男孩子
貼近得想吻上長眼睫毛
明眸閃亮著夢想 希冀 
清澈好奇的心 想問你是否還愛待在圖書館
這篇寫來是為舒發
不知哪年哪天會重遇
大家到時交待了近況
那寧靜
都可能是再都找不到比你更好的
竟怕放懷擁抱你　讓你露歡容
追悔無用　轉眼發現　你失蹤

然後我墜落 孤單得隨意找個人陪
可以我為何沒想到這樣
會令那個體貼的人猜度呢？
他們說 我喜歡上你了
我為何會不知道呢直到現在
我都搶著到樓下買東西
不是我餓 不是我沒事做
是我總有希望在經過你宿舍
有機會遇上的那個瘦削身型
是你呀
我都不敢做傻事了
我愛你
就算你離開了
但你永遠活在我的腦海中

同事

第一年出社會工作
被別人罵罵罵
想離開 退穩
你多大呀
沒有反思別人的advice
Careless mistakes 俾人執手尾
做得好的沒有加分
但classroom management
average marks , bk check
向校長打小報告 還理直氣壯
別這樣不帥氣吧
但 帥氣不能當反食
而且很造作
平穩 還是最好
我愛你 別哭呀

快樂

甚麼是快樂?
老早心智未成熟
一套老舊文藝戲
一個窩心知己
半敞在大家一齊供的沙發
電視機 甜蜜時的藝術結晶
呀 臨離別的love making
你的旅行 都有我的足印
雙雙購買的passport套
重溫電影中童年的回憶
再吻一下 吧
這是我想過的下午
就星期日吧
還是捨不得 貼上我們未來的合照
哈 說著憧憬
是因為無經驗呀
他們說 拍拖好呀 work life balance
但我在等一個人
我曾經瘋過 墜落過 容許自己成為慘劇中的女主角
遇過不負責任的 只看色相的 無賴的
為何身邊的人 出雙入對了 談婚論嫁了
自己還在對自己撒甚麼謊 想找個伴
連一份簡單的工作都捍衛不了
更個況心愛的人
你 去死吧
人生有何意義
不過 還有一大堆義務職責要償還
但我的靈魂 要再一次被出賣嗎?
連接電話 說實話怕你嬲
做假 是對自己不忠
人人都說 藝術不能活口
但我愛呀
我滿腦子ideas 現在再右邊發育
你就給我一次的機會吧
我保證不後悔 不怪責你就對了
怕 是為甚麼?
摸黑 批評  疲憊 無力感
分不清是藥物ecstasy 過後的realization
還是工作後的併發症
我呀 還是一個人閉關 冷靜一下吧
可以嗎？

A little graveyard

Just when I was thinking about which way I am heading,
yup- I was under this swirl of thoughts after a friend of mine's advice.
Deep inside my heart I am longing to try out some visual arts, photography and to visualize my pathway as a true artist.
Deep in my heart I know it would some how be very vulnerable when you open yourself to the world around you, sometimes you get to know good people, or you are too openly attracted to the frame and how it sounds like.
Like deep inside you feel others have expectation on you,
but most often you have a higher expectation on yourself.
Loosen a bit and just follow your heart.
It somehow already tells me what to do.
No more fantasy dwelling
Doing one thing that scares you most everyday, yet I missed that opportunity to just say hi to my university professor whom I met in Wollongong. A very childish side of me appears that was responding that I hate somebody because they did not give attention to me. But, is it worth holding the grudge?
Bye bye negative Mendy

A Happiness Project

Met an interesting friend and he told me this.

"Everyone follows their own path
People will always expect things of you
But often, you expect more of yourself than what you think others expect of you.
Don't wish yourself into a dream -
take steps towards it
How would you know what dreaming was if you never lived first?
So live. Take a risk on something."

Does it contradict to the twenty something TEd talk?
Is money a foundation for happiness?

I have never met such an inspiring man.
Putting that frame of mind in my situation, how much would it work?

Life shouldn't be too harsh right

shxt

Woke up at 9:30
wondering to pull my inertia body for a run away from end of spiral tunnel
And the best thing seems to be getting out of a comfort zone.
So I took a stroll with some cool and nice friends of mine
Taking a dizzy ferry from the Central to the Cheung Chau
Trying out street food, nice guys, great texture, layering and composition
things get more difficult when you comes to a threshold
But the problem is that,
if you don't walk out of your comfort zone,
what's the point of living?
Yes so let go of fear.
Write your photo essay.

Do you want make of something you really liked?
If you have the determination to practice the skill you really value?
And not be tired, exhausted or even frustrated at times?
That's when you need to have preseverance.
No matter where, no matter when, just be there and try your very best.
That's/should be your altitude in life.

Not food, not simply entertainment, but a real heart.
And the future is full of possibility.
By the girl you want to be, dress nice, talk nice,
it is not about where you are from,
but keep the direction of where you are heading.
Learning to improve everyday bit by bit.
Set up a weekly goal pushing yourself to the limit.
No matter what you do, get enough practice.
Don't get too depressed. Don't expect too much.
Just try to shoot whatever you like.

My confession is

My confession is

I have never thought I would like it that way
bipolar can never be treated
Like my life my brain is spiralled and the moment u are addicted to thinking a lot
you once plan the plot to revenge
you are already tying a knot on the death note.

Maybe there is no use trying?
I feel weird the inner voice is draining out of me
why is the world acting all against me
where is the mercy of god.

All the memories are playing back
the unclassified stories in my life.
social anxiety
unchased dreams
betrayal and conflict
unrecognized dreams
unexamined choices
lack of articulation

feeling like you are living just to get a barely pass
just to catch up that last breathe.

CS meetup

Ha it turned out I didnt seem to be as courageous as I thought I was

What I feel desperate at earlier this morning

Damn. I hate it when I was shutting up my camera simply because I didn't have to courage to ask some strangers/friends for a shoot that I know would work well with all the composition. Yeah and its always easier to stay within your comfort zone. I have known it well for the rest of my lives. 
(feeling like a loser/the worst enemy is always yourself)
But, don't be depressed anymore.

The worst thing is to be absent in life. So grab your gear (possibly upgrade to a new canon set) and adventure a little bit, no turning back and with ten years later looking back, no regrets please Miss Mendy Huang

And woman is dependent on male on emotional support.
Now I seem to know how mum got to get the closest chair when the music stops
in the game of music chair for thirties something.

Twenty something do something. But how?
And no online chatting.

Repressed. snoitome

Model: Shandi Li
Photographer: Mendy

The girl is no longer lost in the city.
She finds where she belongs,
right under the sacred heart
in god's prayer -

I wouldn't have believed I was that motivated outgoing fun
until I met real friends which understand and being accepting
respecting gratifying interesting
I think I experienced love in world again

The girl gets lost in this city

Christmas ought to be fun, amazing, and all about partying
soon it passed without any signs
when the echoing jingle bells, all the fancy colourful decorations fades away
after the vague and luring commercial advertisement and the big crowds
with the social media showing pics of eat play love
I just want to bury my head under the bedsheets

That's the thing with writer 's blog
once you don't reflect,
you forget and it is not as easy to dig out all those small details
that add spices to your life,
as you live the repetitious life
the unlived life is not worth examined
you seem to forget the spark of life
all the loving, embracing altitude seems to be
no more than wordings from books
how can I tell a story on that?

If I am not wearing so many clothes,
I should not have felt so hot that I feel the warmth on my rosy cheeks

Or am I chasing the pain-less, rosy Maryland
where people are creative for their ideas,
no blaming, judgement or criticism
just a passion, and people understand the fear
of their ever changing delicate heart. (*pointing right at this tiny beating bumper)

Or am I just a little girl evading the reality
no more difficult words
no more glamorous or glorified reasons
I just want to chase for my handcrafted friend
Here tonight,
I am just bagging for some niceness, luck and love
in this christmas.

aussie random one

I feel something so right
doing the wrong thing.

Watching the video on scuba diving in cairns
although how hard I struggle to get through depression
and pull myself out of that comfort zone
with all unplanned events
spontaneous planning
random meeting strangers
leaving a mark in my strenuous exhausting days when it went by
when all I want to do is to pull my bedsheet over my head
thinking back my days in Australia is like an escape of the problems I have in Hong Kong
All the lovely sunshine, contrast with " you only hate the road when you are missing home"
All the chasing for bus schedule around reserve street, with all the un
expensive food at the cafeteria, all the amazing food hunting during late afternoon
all the handsome surfers at Bondi , cool skaters at campus (thou I nearly got to talk to that guy)
All the crazy road trip ideas start to ignite after I returned Hong Kong
and I blame my brother for his lost of direction and stuff.
I am missing all those sunshine dishes I spend half an hour washing everyday,
the banana toast I would prepare myself freshly every morning
The afternoon or night I would spend with my chinese sister
talking about cultural encounter is this strange place, talking about travelling plans,
and she would always back me up during my hard times
fish and chip near wollongong beach
that mysterious place where that islam girl help me chase my host family
that even the creative writing teacher knows a bit of it
he is scary.
I rmb I was panting before I knock his door
and I am not engaging for most of the lesson.
I feel like for most of the time I am wondering around
And we, brother and mother were passing by the beach,
just before I met his evil girlfriend
that my mood swing stops our from truly enjoying the seaview
missed that fish n chip show even when its just around the corner.
And I feel like over the years I have been keeping a lot of things to myself,
it's someone decent to share things with.

Today I was too free when I am commuting from Kowloon to new territories and back and forth
I searched the palm watching
and a good thing is that I can find a good marriage (thou maybe not the first marriage)
and the bad thing is that my fortune is life is very uncertain and not secured.

I am struggling today

when we spend our life to satisfy our gratification on our senses
is it still worth living in this encapsulated body
with layers of insulating fat with inches folds
or is it always better to devote yourself to some work
fuck off those monsterous industrious tedious streneuous
rope in one hand scourging
inspecting the problems like peeling onions

watching all those great businessman, educators spreading their educational philsophies
with high education, one degree in HKIEd  what does it garantee
wasting it on tedious worksheets design
hell
I want a better education now
all those endless whispers comparing
what is the life that I want
Rethink when I was a kid, I was to believe it is ok to have thoughts moulded or even manipulated
spending limited time
The sad shepard
sometimes the human

relationships cant be trusted

I think I am a bit sensitive. Should I blame facebook for stirring up all the bitterness and jealousy?

Oversaw* my friend (actually I don't know her well) 's status with a rather good looking foreigner. So out of curiousity I  clicked the name tag. Surprised/ disappointed to find out the foriegn guy is actually not mistaken. He truly exists. I was like wtf, but the girl itself is a bit chubby and she's not particularly ..hot or that very popular type. But then I tried to imagine all that relationship won't last long (omg thinking back I am so easy to envy others...) Though I found out they were in relationship publicly and they have some nice time together and the only word to describe is sweet. But my jealousy is burning me and never letting me go of the inferiority that I myself attached to. All the negatives like my body shape, depressive thoughts seem to be some of the list that I regularly blame myself. What am I actually doing when others are enjoying their youth? Enjoying relationships and squendering on their playfulness to all the newly met friends. While I was spending quite so time meeting random travellers from everywhere. Sounds like this plan doesn't work. And my plan of pushing through all the limits during my TP sounds unimportant to my self-improvement things. Though I just finished the roughly lesson plan. While the PP WS and reader WS just couldn't wait. The desire to shout out my name loud just can't be stopped. Stop yelling at meeee

*Journal on dream job for my dear students
*Filming project/ strangers project

She is just that ... inconvincable, stubborn and loyal

Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 

Staring at the bottom of your glass 
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last 
But dreams come slow and they go so fast 
You see her when you close your eyes 
Maybe one day you'll understand why 
Everything you touch surely dies 

Passenger: Let her go

Had a dinner over and try to talk about nonsense and I start to realize what that fuckin professor says
you have to keep your eyes open and see how people works, it is like you are travelling to Mars.. it is a place where you don't know anything about. Yah and what my maid has told stories about her troubled times when she first arrived in Hong Kong shouting for help from Mum to save her from this unknown devil, with hunger agents exploiting every bits of the salary, deceiving households and masters when their product is "not up to par". Is that how the way business works? work in packaging things superficially rather than selling the qualities behind those products. When the society is sick that they were stressing on the money currency system isn't that sad. It would such be a utopian where the world is full of idealogy with people sharing the same philosophy, creativity, innovation, that's hold hands to show our disapprove to the conspiracy of power, greed, control and all those devils to cause the endless suffering and miseries. Yeah so why setting the divine between noble and normal people? How much time I have been spending over to climb the invisible social ladder by striking a conversation with all other weird, wicked, chilled and offensive people on the net. WHile missing out the time to look at the little girl with a strong heart that told me a bit about her linkage to the family, "even when I get married, my husband got to accept that I must stay with my family, until their death. I don't want to dumb them by saying that I will live an independent life. So I am gonna stay with them forever, staying by their side when its their death. If my husband doesn't agree with me, he got to choose to leave me. For else I would choose anyone else to help me to be faithful to my family value, it doesn't matter if they are poor, as long as their soul is great. She is also trying to make use of that joy and pleasure in taking care of her family in her job, she was teaching how grandparents should act, at the same time drilling her skills in cooking. Paying effort in what she does despite she has to admit she made mistakes at times. That had been a dark time when we both don't want to revisit, but " why dragging on the past? just focus on your footsteps at this moment." This is probably the best line ever. Only miss her spirit when you let her go. So all these little talks, makes the homework procrastination much more worth. And tonight 's gathering as well ha 

TGIF

Is it weird to mix marmalade with yoghurt and digestive biscuits?
So out of my little degenerated cuuriosity I googled ways to deal with the 90 dollars I spent with two cans of 1kg Bella Vanilla (and I found out mine is reasonable when compared to someone putting walnuts and cucumber into their greek yoghurt with pepper) and indulge in the little colourful dynamic world with hunger games, the eccentric and electric legendary girl on fire jennifer lawrence, her amazement, stunning, outspoken personality brings out a magnificent analogy of female dominant heroic figure that casts/ underlying the whole series of blockbuster of Hunger games, mocking jays, sooooo famous and successful in a way that the writer and director of the screenplay is probably very well fed with all the ecstasy and wonders of the children .. all those gossips, appreciation turns out to be burst bubbles when the times went forward when we closed our eyes and fall asleep with all the unfinished jobs refreshing and creeping out of your subconsciousness, blaming your indifference altitude to all those laziness which results in endless loop of regret and remorse and frustration of not holding onto every drop of capital in your life. Interestingly, I though I can differentiate the line between entertainment and my real life, but then I start to realize I have no different with those kids who played video games for at least 4-5 hours a day. Even if - I was trying to figure out how to sort out some small detailed playbacks of the loosely disciplined classroom situation, with those negative challenging impulsive wordings from those monsters with no parenting and nurturing. I really wonder what they would become in the future. All those movie scenaries, graphic presentations, stimulation and mindmapping, creative thinking, radiative thinking, music, cafeteria, a warm coffee, some live music, a group of youth discussing planning chatting, exchanging thoughts on  travelling experience, drafting out and mapping out the experiences, eyesight we shared along in the journey. And to share the good memories and friendship with friends and people around the world. Though sometime I really feel there is a while that I feel disgusted with myself when I peep into others' profile on social network sites, (and sometimes comparing the social friends they meet, the countries they have ever visited, the perosna they developed by sharing their lives with their friends feeling particular jealous that they are social and seem to make friends with everyone. They seems to wear that confidence coat despite their normal appearance, it is their confidence that outshine their appearance and brings out the good qualities in their lives that I feel truly imcompetable: perfect family with gorgeous and encouraging parents, rather than the tiger and depressive mum, the financial security and the education background where everyone is respected and supported and everyone is connected with love in a unit. Each individual still shares their private room for self development and discovery. Each other has perfect communication  which prepare them to deal with any difficulty they faces. A secure family brings emotional stability and great confidence in children's critical development and it nurtures the children to provide love, curiosity, sensitivity to the details around them and build up the right world vision. Yet I am spending all my time waiting for that person to arrive and transform my life. Waiting that single guy is a very high stake. What if the guy doesn't exist? Or he is just a knucklehead who enjoys chasing girl rather than develop mutual trust and relationship? What if he will never appear? I bet I have to wait til christmas time and then I have to really let the idea go and to take the responsibility all by myself. Honestly I am not very confident as sometimes I feel defeated with facing with those people who are really proud and that makes me ashamed of myself. Isn't that a sickness? A depressive thoughts of compulsive thinking to comparing each of everyone's life to my own? And I am still holding the hope to couchsurfing daily conversations peeping through Doraemon's magic door to travel to another dimension to satisfy my ego and gain respect and gain from a man I love. And not the the man from the Istanbul kebab that grapped me a hot vegetables soup and remind me not to drink to much coffee and to take my pills after meal. Simply seeing his excited face when I approach probably is the most rewarding thing ever to prove my existence. Isn't it sad when the one you are waiting is not there? But someone else is giving you the warmth and you don't even want to receive or you just don't have to heart to deny it?

Aw and I just can't get away all those 24 students and their homework when I see them almost 3 hours a day. I am gonna miss them but right now I still have to do through all their learning schedule. Tenses, grammar, dictation, reading comprehension, worksheet designing, writing. phew. That is never an easy thing to be a teacher. even a student teacher. I knew that when I feel the tensed shoulders under the super thick izzue jacket. 此情無計可消除，才下眉頭，卻上心頭。

It is not as bad as you thought.

Alright, now I am wrapping myself with a super thick brown linean scarf and in black izzue warm jacket stepping on my cozy carpet typing this before my nap. Today it was my first day to return school and I sneezed so badly that my nostrils still hurts (probably too much rubbing with four packs of tempos) and rushing up the schedule of the comprehension and all the dictation scope. And then my supporting teacher told me that I wasn't doing things thoughtful enough (as translated and quoted from another English teacher who overheard our conversation) and stabbing my back one more time. And my other colleaque (a student teacher ) also noticed that. She was warning me to prepare teaching plans in advance and do more thoughtful planning so that the lesson are more coherently linked. Damn. And today's lesson is so much better and disciplined with some students being attentive.

Fishball Day

So thanks to ytd's cursing, here I am sitting at my chair, enjoying another "low fat" yoghurt with fresh berries after my meal.
This morning at around 11:30, I successfully diagnoised myself with "fever" right before the chinese medicine doctor did two hours later(which I later realize it is overheat by wearing a thick sweater). Ans I also I discovered that right after I stepped my feet out of the school, or simply staff room, my feel my elevated soul from my "weak body", on my way passing that bus station nearby, how I was wishing my sweet escape can last forever. No matter instant gratification of fantacising over the delicacies of the street food nearby or the lucky moments when me and another student teacher were dining in the WK shopping mall so frequently that the shop owner of that IStanbul Kebeh shop was like persuading me to make me a drink, his first attempt is lemon tea but he made a second try on milk tea, coffee knowing that I am a coffee addict. He was a decent looking "uncle" always wearing a tidy checked shirt and that same haircut. He was always wearing a rather gentleman like smile and with some kind of accent in his cantonese. He was also unnecessarily friendly and extremely generous like whatever I ask he would give me, I was always asking for aluminium foil to wrap up my another half of the meaty and stomach filling chicken kebah. And also asking for the yoghurt plastic cover and a bag (which he always gave me unevenly full ) But then one day our conversation started to disgust me in a bit when he was asking where I lived and if he was near he would make me a dish. Oh and his stare is sometimes on my breast  though I am not one hundred percent sure where he is staring. Oh now gotta keep up some sleep for not messing up the trust from my supporting teacher. Somehow I couldn't help thinking if the owner is like thirty years younger I would probably hanging out with him in that counter with exotic chef and who is probably slicing döner kebab off a rotating vertical spit. And we would be chatting all day and long. With my little lonely heart waiting for a date. For God 's sake, I am never a party girl with all that slimmering and hot and appealing outfit flirting with boys. In my whole life I have only wore high heels for twice. With no partying or romantic dates, a kiss, a flower, an accompanied night. I recall that when I was returning home from the graduation dinner in S.5, on a tram near my apartment, Tony was will me, he is such a guy guy with screw cut with always showing his bunny teeth and his eyes are shaped into a line when he smile slying probably because of notorious temper and he was extremely bad tempered when he did not achieve his own goalds, in academic terms. Though he has now 
And I got something really deep from my teacher, she says I shouldn't get annoyed by the students reaction, or think badly or indignified when that student is misbehaving in your lesson and treating other teachers well. Because it is likely the case, the longer you teach, the more encounter you will face when dealing with those students. Your indignity should always be high. And you also shouldn't ask for teachers, discipline master 's help because at the very end, it is about your relationship with the student. You have to think about whether you want to punish him or help me. Don't let that small incident affect your mission to teach or to help. How great that sounds, but not to someone who has already lost the fire for the passion to teach, like me.

That was actually(...distracted by Troye Sivan on youtube.. he is cute! and he is gay..) I was planning the

Have I turned to be a (students') pet?

Alarm rang at 5:30 pm

Snooze and struggle to work on my worksheets,

powerpoints, those lesson materials and plans that those students just don't care

they just don't care about their future

saying rude things regardless of what the teacher preach

then struggle and laying in my bedwomb

then get the bag, get my sweater, and going to bathroom to brush my teeth

and asked my "nanny" to pick my pants,

grabbed my laptop and laptor, thinking it might help me to be more comfortable in my lesson planning and all ther matterials prepation, then I grabbed my breakie, lunchbox and saw the clock I knew I am late for the bus. Trying to rush through the pace thou the heavy bag on my shoulder was crashing and burdening my shoulder than any of the people of my age. I tried to match my footsteps and rushing to see if the 30x was delayed but then I walked past one corner to another, peepin through the lady at the Mcdonalds enjoying a cup of hot drink, I imagine one day I would be chilling at that time daydreaming or reading a book or preparing my perfect plan for the day which I could finally get rid of those monsters, regardless of what those idiots are going to learn in my class and remembering what homework they still owed me. I was forcing my legs not to stop and realizing how ideal sometimes my thoughts are, particularly one like waking up at six and rushing all the work just to get the relaxing moment to chill with a hot chocolate by the window. Romantic ? Is that how I should call it? Or is that just unrealistic at all? The thoughts seemed to flashed as my adrenaline level rose when I can no sign of those usual people waiting for the same bus. The short guy with a torn backpack stuffed with examination papers. With his tight and high military haircut and punctuality, he always sits by the side of the supermarket right to the bustop. And waving his straight and short hand whenever he "saw" the bus coming thou his eyesight was not that good sometimes. My impression of this hardworking guy related me to a student in my class. Edgar was a student putting effort in his learning and whenever I pose a question on the meaning of a word, he would pull out his electronic dictionary in his pocket and get the job done and raised his hand. But his skin problem made him stay at hospital to defer his study last year and he enrolled this year to start his secondary three life. But one day I start to realize the distinct difference between Edgar and that short hair guy. The guy was actually very indecent in his act of spliting to the roadside. I still clearly remmeber he choked and he pull down his mask and spilt, just right near to the bus stop. And then he pulled on the mask and pretend nothing had happened and get his octopus card. I was stand there for several seconds wondering in disguised how many gems he had spread. Sometimes a tiny mistake in life can really break the integrity of some good qualities. Maybe that's why those serial and franchised production stressed so much on the details. Reflecting back on my life, thinking back my first two years spent in HKIEd is like a fish leaving the school of fish, drifting anyway starting with some fish from other districts, with totally different specialist and personality, somehow the storm, the social 

then on my way through the hollow tunnel I start to really think about my unrealistic goals, like for the work prepared for the band three kids, my over-confidence when my biology teacher :why I always fall to be the victim to those really shameful experiences when people have their fingers pointing at my head? And all the shame is a haunting alarming me everytime there is something wrong that triggers my emotional outburst. And that's actually a very often case.

Just today when I fast forward to my lesson at KTS at Rm306 7th lesson. I was rushing to get back my materials for class when the students remind me English is the 7th lesson. As usual I was spending five minutes to collect homework and trying to settle everything down. Knowing Ms W was away for the speech festival I was attracting students' attention on some unusal jobs. I showed them a slide of some unusal jobs and I thought it amusing to ask why there should be pet testers on the world. Then I replied in a casual way that it is because pet can never know the taste. Then one student threw me back a response that I felt indignified, so teacher how can u be the pet food tester? you must have the taste of a dog? Then the whole class was pointing fingers at this disrespectful boy, and he denied what he has done, he was always challenging to authority and it might be one way to show his dissatisfaction of appointing him as the homework collector, then out of anger and anguish, I started to ask him to repeat once again what he said and he quickly continue my limits, "WHat did I say that makes u feel I am disrespectful?' He was denying what he said. And I have to put someone's name like the discipline teacher L Sir . Then vice principle walked by and sensed all that. Our class must have been very noisy. THose classmates are just like an uncontrolled monsters. That moment didn't end even I finished with all the unwanted obligation of collecting all the assignment. The moment I walked away from school I thought of escaping to another dimension through self indulging activities like reading books, films that draw myself away from the reality : that I have to go through all that tomorrow morning b4 the reporting time and chasing all the homework books for homework inspection. Sometimes I really think why I have to work so hard when compared to my peers? It is hard to imagine myself not committing suicide in the next 3 months. Then the only hope I have is to find help from teachers tmr. But first I should meditate, sleep and keep a record of my feelings. THen get back to my careful-homework-marking-lesson-preparing-day and night style. Welcome to the life of hell.