Blank

People say baby is like a blank piece of paper
I feel that is not so true.
My case, people actually painted my paper from the very start
I grew up in relatives with male dominance
and girl barely has any social/economical status at all
There are relatives smoking and gambling and dirty that hazy chatting
propsosing plans to make money
and mum is like a timid objectified pearl being ignored at the corner
hiding her ego by the man she believed to be first love
washing pears breaking her arm without even one person to care
damn it.. I couldn't help it
She is a delicated lady with proper and the blood of a highly repected gentleman
And I am somewhat in between. Classy Noble lifestyle interests me,
coffee shop, western cusine and culture, I enjoy arts as much as reading literature
I don't notice that" it takes some personal experience to appreciate history and the pain and suffering of the mass in it)
yet I still capture some really unhealthy or coarse rough behaviour from my father who has an ego as big as a cow!
I enjoy fast food, beer, man figure as they look very masculine and that is based on the inequality between men and women. I think women are more armed by they dressed masculinely but that is not the case. A real lady can dress and act softly yet be strong by their stance .
All they have to support themselves is to preservere and keep the goal very clear in the head.But the very first thing they have to do is to care. Like to care means to connect yourself to the status quo of some critical issues in the world. Then you will have the courage and heart to follow the efforts that require you.

Mum chose to sacrifice herself but I don't think it is necessary she exerts a lot of expectation on me that I feel like I am living for suiting a particular purpose in life.
That's sad then because whatever I do, the satisfaction I get can never balance the guilt and shame in my traumatic childhood in which I had two major heart broken memories: my family's divorce and my ex-domestic helper's crime by stealing my grandparents' cautiously saved money.

But back to myself, what have I done to affect the family? If I am a failure when I feel there's a strong urge from me asking for my brother to break up with his strongly independent and (selfish) girlfriend? Would I be another "bad figure" or authoritive figure that somebody is gonna hate me for the rest of their life for me putting a dot on their white sheet of paper.

Is it good to be a blank piece of paper or is it easily to be stepped by some random people who don't know you at all or is it possible that you might meet the one and only one to paint your picture just for the same proportion, colours and depth of field?

:)