If I am not wearing so many clothes,
I should not have felt so hot that I feel the warmth on my rosy cheeks

Or am I chasing the pain-less, rosy Maryland
where people are creative for their ideas,
no blaming, judgement or criticism
just a passion, and people understand the fear
of their ever changing delicate heart. (*pointing right at this tiny beating bumper)

Or am I just a little girl evading the reality
no more difficult words
no more glamorous or glorified reasons
I just want to chase for my handcrafted friend
Here tonight,
I am just bagging for some niceness, luck and love
in this christmas.

aussie random one

I feel something so right
doing the wrong thing.

Watching the video on scuba diving in cairns
although how hard I struggle to get through depression
and pull myself out of that comfort zone
with all unplanned events
spontaneous planning
random meeting strangers
leaving a mark in my strenuous exhausting days when it went by
when all I want to do is to pull my bedsheet over my head
thinking back my days in Australia is like an escape of the problems I have in Hong Kong
All the lovely sunshine, contrast with " you only hate the road when you are missing home"
All the chasing for bus schedule around reserve street, with all the un
expensive food at the cafeteria, all the amazing food hunting during late afternoon
all the handsome surfers at Bondi , cool skaters at campus (thou I nearly got to talk to that guy)
All the crazy road trip ideas start to ignite after I returned Hong Kong
and I blame my brother for his lost of direction and stuff.
I am missing all those sunshine dishes I spend half an hour washing everyday,
the banana toast I would prepare myself freshly every morning
The afternoon or night I would spend with my chinese sister
talking about cultural encounter is this strange place, talking about travelling plans,
and she would always back me up during my hard times
fish and chip near wollongong beach
that mysterious place where that islam girl help me chase my host family
that even the creative writing teacher knows a bit of it
he is scary.
I rmb I was panting before I knock his door
and I am not engaging for most of the lesson.
I feel like for most of the time I am wondering around
And we, brother and mother were passing by the beach,
just before I met his evil girlfriend
that my mood swing stops our from truly enjoying the seaview
missed that fish n chip show even when its just around the corner.
And I feel like over the years I have been keeping a lot of things to myself,
it's someone decent to share things with.

Today I was too free when I am commuting from Kowloon to new territories and back and forth
I searched the palm watching
and a good thing is that I can find a good marriage (thou maybe not the first marriage)
and the bad thing is that my fortune is life is very uncertain and not secured.

I am struggling today

when we spend our life to satisfy our gratification on our senses
is it still worth living in this encapsulated body
with layers of insulating fat with inches folds
or is it always better to devote yourself to some work
fuck off those monsterous industrious tedious streneuous
rope in one hand scourging
inspecting the problems like peeling onions

watching all those great businessman, educators spreading their educational philsophies
with high education, one degree in HKIEd  what does it garantee
wasting it on tedious worksheets design
hell
I want a better education now
all those endless whispers comparing
what is the life that I want
Rethink when I was a kid, I was to believe it is ok to have thoughts moulded or even manipulated
spending limited time
The sad shepard
sometimes the human

relationships cant be trusted

I think I am a bit sensitive. Should I blame facebook for stirring up all the bitterness and jealousy?

Oversaw* my friend (actually I don't know her well) 's status with a rather good looking foreigner. So out of curiousity I  clicked the name tag. Surprised/ disappointed to find out the foriegn guy is actually not mistaken. He truly exists. I was like wtf, but the girl itself is a bit chubby and she's not particularly ..hot or that very popular type. But then I tried to imagine all that relationship won't last long (omg thinking back I am so easy to envy others...) Though I found out they were in relationship publicly and they have some nice time together and the only word to describe is sweet. But my jealousy is burning me and never letting me go of the inferiority that I myself attached to. All the negatives like my body shape, depressive thoughts seem to be some of the list that I regularly blame myself. What am I actually doing when others are enjoying their youth? Enjoying relationships and squendering on their playfulness to all the newly met friends. While I was spending quite so time meeting random travellers from everywhere. Sounds like this plan doesn't work. And my plan of pushing through all the limits during my TP sounds unimportant to my self-improvement things. Though I just finished the roughly lesson plan. While the PP WS and reader WS just couldn't wait. The desire to shout out my name loud just can't be stopped. Stop yelling at meeee

*Journal on dream job for my dear students
*Filming project/ strangers project

She is just that ... inconvincable, stubborn and loyal

Well you only need the light when it's burning low 
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low 
Only hate the road when you're missing home 
Only know you love her when you let her go 
And you let her go 

Staring at the bottom of your glass 
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last 
But dreams come slow and they go so fast 
You see her when you close your eyes 
Maybe one day you'll understand why 
Everything you touch surely dies 

Passenger: Let her go

Had a dinner over and try to talk about nonsense and I start to realize what that fuckin professor says
you have to keep your eyes open and see how people works, it is like you are travelling to Mars.. it is a place where you don't know anything about. Yah and what my maid has told stories about her troubled times when she first arrived in Hong Kong shouting for help from Mum to save her from this unknown devil, with hunger agents exploiting every bits of the salary, deceiving households and masters when their product is "not up to par". Is that how the way business works? work in packaging things superficially rather than selling the qualities behind those products. When the society is sick that they were stressing on the money currency system isn't that sad. It would such be a utopian where the world is full of idealogy with people sharing the same philosophy, creativity, innovation, that's hold hands to show our disapprove to the conspiracy of power, greed, control and all those devils to cause the endless suffering and miseries. Yeah so why setting the divine between noble and normal people? How much time I have been spending over to climb the invisible social ladder by striking a conversation with all other weird, wicked, chilled and offensive people on the net. WHile missing out the time to look at the little girl with a strong heart that told me a bit about her linkage to the family, "even when I get married, my husband got to accept that I must stay with my family, until their death. I don't want to dumb them by saying that I will live an independent life. So I am gonna stay with them forever, staying by their side when its their death. If my husband doesn't agree with me, he got to choose to leave me. For else I would choose anyone else to help me to be faithful to my family value, it doesn't matter if they are poor, as long as their soul is great. She is also trying to make use of that joy and pleasure in taking care of her family in her job, she was teaching how grandparents should act, at the same time drilling her skills in cooking. Paying effort in what she does despite she has to admit she made mistakes at times. That had been a dark time when we both don't want to revisit, but " why dragging on the past? just focus on your footsteps at this moment." This is probably the best line ever. Only miss her spirit when you let her go. So all these little talks, makes the homework procrastination much more worth. And tonight 's gathering as well ha 

TGIF

Is it weird to mix marmalade with yoghurt and digestive biscuits?
So out of my little degenerated cuuriosity I googled ways to deal with the 90 dollars I spent with two cans of 1kg Bella Vanilla (and I found out mine is reasonable when compared to someone putting walnuts and cucumber into their greek yoghurt with pepper) and indulge in the little colourful dynamic world with hunger games, the eccentric and electric legendary girl on fire jennifer lawrence, her amazement, stunning, outspoken personality brings out a magnificent analogy of female dominant heroic figure that casts/ underlying the whole series of blockbuster of Hunger games, mocking jays, sooooo famous and successful in a way that the writer and director of the screenplay is probably very well fed with all the ecstasy and wonders of the children .. all those gossips, appreciation turns out to be burst bubbles when the times went forward when we closed our eyes and fall asleep with all the unfinished jobs refreshing and creeping out of your subconsciousness, blaming your indifference altitude to all those laziness which results in endless loop of regret and remorse and frustration of not holding onto every drop of capital in your life. Interestingly, I though I can differentiate the line between entertainment and my real life, but then I start to realize I have no different with those kids who played video games for at least 4-5 hours a day. Even if - I was trying to figure out how to sort out some small detailed playbacks of the loosely disciplined classroom situation, with those negative challenging impulsive wordings from those monsters with no parenting and nurturing. I really wonder what they would become in the future. All those movie scenaries, graphic presentations, stimulation and mindmapping, creative thinking, radiative thinking, music, cafeteria, a warm coffee, some live music, a group of youth discussing planning chatting, exchanging thoughts on  travelling experience, drafting out and mapping out the experiences, eyesight we shared along in the journey. And to share the good memories and friendship with friends and people around the world. Though sometime I really feel there is a while that I feel disgusted with myself when I peep into others' profile on social network sites, (and sometimes comparing the social friends they meet, the countries they have ever visited, the perosna they developed by sharing their lives with their friends feeling particular jealous that they are social and seem to make friends with everyone. They seems to wear that confidence coat despite their normal appearance, it is their confidence that outshine their appearance and brings out the good qualities in their lives that I feel truly imcompetable: perfect family with gorgeous and encouraging parents, rather than the tiger and depressive mum, the financial security and the education background where everyone is respected and supported and everyone is connected with love in a unit. Each individual still shares their private room for self development and discovery. Each other has perfect communication  which prepare them to deal with any difficulty they faces. A secure family brings emotional stability and great confidence in children's critical development and it nurtures the children to provide love, curiosity, sensitivity to the details around them and build up the right world vision. Yet I am spending all my time waiting for that person to arrive and transform my life. Waiting that single guy is a very high stake. What if the guy doesn't exist? Or he is just a knucklehead who enjoys chasing girl rather than develop mutual trust and relationship? What if he will never appear? I bet I have to wait til christmas time and then I have to really let the idea go and to take the responsibility all by myself. Honestly I am not very confident as sometimes I feel defeated with facing with those people who are really proud and that makes me ashamed of myself. Isn't that a sickness? A depressive thoughts of compulsive thinking to comparing each of everyone's life to my own? And I am still holding the hope to couchsurfing daily conversations peeping through Doraemon's magic door to travel to another dimension to satisfy my ego and gain respect and gain from a man I love. And not the the man from the Istanbul kebab that grapped me a hot vegetables soup and remind me not to drink to much coffee and to take my pills after meal. Simply seeing his excited face when I approach probably is the most rewarding thing ever to prove my existence. Isn't it sad when the one you are waiting is not there? But someone else is giving you the warmth and you don't even want to receive or you just don't have to heart to deny it?

Aw and I just can't get away all those 24 students and their homework when I see them almost 3 hours a day. I am gonna miss them but right now I still have to do through all their learning schedule. Tenses, grammar, dictation, reading comprehension, worksheet designing, writing. phew. That is never an easy thing to be a teacher. even a student teacher. I knew that when I feel the tensed shoulders under the super thick izzue jacket. 此情無計可消除，才下眉頭，卻上心頭。

It is not as bad as you thought.

Alright, now I am wrapping myself with a super thick brown linean scarf and in black izzue warm jacket stepping on my cozy carpet typing this before my nap. Today it was my first day to return school and I sneezed so badly that my nostrils still hurts (probably too much rubbing with four packs of tempos) and rushing up the schedule of the comprehension and all the dictation scope. And then my supporting teacher told me that I wasn't doing things thoughtful enough (as translated and quoted from another English teacher who overheard our conversation) and stabbing my back one more time. And my other colleaque (a student teacher ) also noticed that. She was warning me to prepare teaching plans in advance and do more thoughtful planning so that the lesson are more coherently linked. Damn. And today's lesson is so much better and disciplined with some students being attentive.