50 things to do before I die (1)

1. Kiss and hug someone I like
2. Find a boyfriend and visit Disneyland
3. Watch a breath taking movie
4. Enjoy rides in theme park
5. Learn to drive
6. Get a job: Know/love what I am doing and work myself all the way
7. Find a true sincere friend
8. Teach students to be bright with my own resources/materials
9. Gather with bright minds to discuss insights on the world
10. Road trip in USA
11. Europe Tour
12. Met a foreign (boy)friend
13. Be better in shape
14. Match my Dr. Martens in style
15. Be really good at one instrument
16. Have a functional family
17. Graduate, photoshoot with my favourite teachers
18. Make my own videoclip
19. Take part in a photography competition
20. Write my OWN book
21. Learn to photoshop without letting others know how I photoshop it
22. Keep my own library
23. Have a DIY station
24. Have my dream home
25. Keep my journals/ blogs
26. Meet my teenage fantasy -Mcfly

Memo-random

Say things when necessary, rather than brag.
Keep your head thinking clearly.
Don't over-stress yourself
Remember you should enjoy life.
Don't mess up scrumbags, they don't worth a slight bit of attention.
If you don't boost your self-confidence, how can you attract positivity in life?
Give yourself a go before you say no to things.
Expose yourself or your feelings rather than withdrawing from the obstacles.
Cheer up !
You can do it.

Daughter of the Earth

Once upon a time, when human is still a pure creation of God, the reptiles have been jealous for the warmth creature, their animated face and highly intelligent mind and long appendixes which allows them to walk or run. But what they truly want from human is their pumping heart- which allows them to feel and sense any emotions, they believe that through preserving their noble heart they can fuel up the cool kingdom (which is full of greed) at that time. They are looking for a leader with a great heart to end the conspiracy reptile nation. Therefore a young and determined reptilian (was send to the Earth (with the face and body of a human during nightime) to explore the people on Earth and complete the mission. It was not easy, but he found the offspring of Eve and Adam (the prime human figure in the bible). Their expectation on her ( Finny) to be passionate, happy and full of energy. They seem to be WRONG. She is a lady of baggage, her happiness died in her childhood, her underlying strangled struggle leads to endless tears at night. Her coldness due to abandonment and dysfunctional family (she hates his father, uncle). She has to bear the role of taking care of her brother, her mentally ill mum. She was the only one that can think clearly in the family. The Reptilian plots to entangle all those negative strands connected to her memory and "host" in her memory in order to save her and bring light to their planet, at the same time aware he does not have enough time before the human skin burst open to expose his true identity.

I screw up my interview today

I screw up my interview today.
I was very excited and I should say, "confident" at first when I stepped into the room,
but then a series of challenging questions arose, my past experience in Australia,
my poor academics results in the last two years, all of them seemed to be pulling my legs,
especially because recently I have been keeping contact with nice and friendly people who are welcoming, through CS or at school,
but seldom do I encounter such an disrespectful person,
who uses their former discussion as a getaway for my burst of emotions.
So that is life? That is what you get when you are being labelled as students with mental problems?
I do have a lot of problems or traumas in my life, but do you really think I am in full control of all that? Even if you as an adult experience that, you reckon you have the control of all that? Huh?
I don't want to complain but you are definitely stepping on my face.

All those friendly suggestion did not help anymore.
I have learnt not to be trapped within a power struggle, again.
Whether I can stay with my "diminished" dignity ..
somehow I think it is not important anymore.
If I am really determined to take a break and reflect on my OWN life,
no one can stop me, even my mum.
But first of all, I have to PROVE YOU ARE ALL WRONG.
I have unlimited potentials in learning what I am interested in, all I have to do is to unleash it by changing my mentality a little bit, and with the help of a supportive network.
But if change is necessary, NOW is the best time.
And if you have the big and clear goal in your life, you do CARE,
and everything will come naturally.
I can do it!

A letter to Mum

I realize I am not that fluent in words, or else I won't trigger any of your negative emotions when you are trying to communicate with my or persuade me. We are never reaching a unanimous view ( which is natural because we hold different values ever since I was small) I still recall the moments, or retold by you, that I used to react quite violently on your criticisms, from the “unsatisfactory” school results to very minor habits. But do you think it works? What are you thinking when we misbehave? Or when we simply don't act the way you want. Don't you think you are a little bit controlling? By imposing your values and altitude on daily chores, from the way we pack our schoolbag to every habits we have, what time to go to bed, what clothes do we wear. We do absolutely appreciate all the dedicated efforts you have put ( simply because father left when we were young). And if we don't behave the way you want, you complain to the others. But do you ever consider you are or you should be the one to consider how you are treating others and how you want to be treated. If you want someone( like us) to communicate with you sincerely, have you ever opened up yourself to anybody? Remember it is very different from asking help when a problem arises. A true and deep relationship is all about trust, you have to keep people informed of your daily lives (not just buddhism). And I seriously think if you devote your whole life into buddhism is not what we expect. But if you are really determined, you weigh all the pros and cons and you make your mission clear, you should go for it. Or else I think you can still devote yourself to other volunteer services to service those people in need. Seriously sometimes I feel like home is not a place for security and love. So I went to library for study. And when I am back I am already tired and your nagging just did not help a bit to make my feel warmth at home. Perhaps that's the reason why dad left. I can continue on all the bad impacts it has, like we are scared to share our thoughts because we are afraid or too sensitive of how others think, because what is imprinted in our mind is when we grow up, the lack of respect or unconditional regard of our own inner voice. That's what hinder our personality growth. In fact, you did not help to build up the personal relationship with us that we don't have interest in personal relationship with people around me. The growing environment shape us into who we are. We are too timid/ slowly react to all the misfortunes that occured. We are used to surrender because on the values other imposed on us. But ignoring the fact that we can change others' altitude as long as we explain ourselves. It is not wrong to tell others you can't make it, but you have to keep others informed.

And now we grow up ( in a hard way) . You should have your own life. Stop pampering or following closely behind your kids anymore. They can't grow that way, nor is your worrying beneficial to you yourself or us. Give us freedom, that is not something that money can buy. We are separate entities and please don't step too close. Leave the communication channel open and we will get back to you at times. Even though your kids is your creation, or you would think they are perfect in your own eyes, bear in mind that one day they would leave you and have their own life. But those traumatic childhood experiences did make us mature a lot than adults of the same age. And undoubtedly I have been silly to get myself into depression and mania which drives brother to the edge of another nervous breakdown( but he set a bad enough model) . The guilt I felt whenever I took at the coward/timid looking photographer is more tremendous than the guilt I felt when I chose not to disclose father's wrongdoings when I was small. 

It mentally exhaust me to struggle mentally without telling you the truth. And that's it. I will end all the disagreement or quarrel here. Same for all the childhood misfortune, misfit for social groups, I don't have to be the “actress” in the sad comedy waiting for a prince to come any more. If you are wanting to make a difference in your time, the best time is NOW and do the things that matters to you or the things you like! You can have strength, you can be fit, you can be beautiful, you can be whatever you want, just dare to wish!

I swear

I swear to God
Even though I haven't done this for long
I want a functional family where every member gives me warm and love
I swear.
I really want that empathy, love, respect, whatever you call it.
I have been desperately thirsty for it yet it has always been missing.
No matter how hard I do at school, you can't see it.
No matter how hurtful I feel among peers, you didn't feel it.
No matter how I hate the enemies, you didn't know it.
And now I am really to get my own life, you didn't understand it.

Make it mine

I am so excited now!

Feel like have made a milestone ...

for handing my application for exchange to universities in Europe (Sweden, Denmark and Germany)

Here I come...... :3

This time, I made my own choice,

decide my own fate,

I know it is risky for me as my classmates have all graduated and finding a job already

yet I decided to let my soul go for a trip, to explore the beauty in things,

to get lost. even in a place that I have never been to, nor heard of.

I have fantasy about all those romantic places, romantic people, romantic views,

good education, free willed students and high self autonomy students.

At the same time to reflect on my life in Hong Kong, 

to learn to take good care of myself and be good to people and stay happy and stay strong!

I know it is risky but I am lucky enough to hold belief to love what I do and do what I love.

So I chose the defer one semester of my study rather than holding regret for myself and wondering what is truly meaningful in what I have learnt.

"It is not the years of life you have, but the live in your years!"

YOLO

No matter what concerns there are, think of them as something to challenge yourself

and get prepared to fight, to speak up for yourself and don't regret.

I am living it up.

Feeling very complicated as I have never thought of really "leaving home for like half year"

and to purchase some studies that might be what I want to do in the future, design, arts, films, media, literature? They all seems very nice to me. So why do I need to chase after other's goal if that's not what I am really focusing on. Please don't live in dogma anymore,

go to see the world with your pair of glasses.

It is very interesting that I have been really going through a lot to break through my own wall and to actually seek for help through I did consider a lot before I open my mouth. 

What I lack is fath in myself and the strong will to prove myself to be correct rather than to 

"confirm you are clever or doing it right"

So don't be afraid to stand out from others.

Because everyone deserve to be happy and optimistic and courageous in what they believe in.

Have a believe and value in making the world a better place.

That's what you need to focus on.

Devote yourself 

your time

until the candle lights was blown away.

Don't settle if you haven't found it.

Stay hungry stay foolish.